Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Chapter Twenty-Six (Secret Garden)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 25 (Dreaming With A Broken Heart)
-Lyn's absence affected Brad greatly, making him turn to liquor for comfort.
-He didn't feel lonely until he found himself alone in the condo, with remnants of her still everywhere.
-He loved Lyn but he was becoming restless, his need for novelty hampering his ability to stay committed.
-He believed that she became too demanding of his time, and no matter what he did, she didn't seem happy.
-That day that he caught her kissing Luke led to him have sex with Naveah in the bathroom stall of a bar.
-He invited Luke over and told him what happened.
-Instead, Luke was so enraged that he nearly killed him.
-Luke decided to take Nikki back to Lyn, leaving Brad to writhe in pain, all by himself.

*Strong language*

Photobucket

Location: 1012 Pomona Promenade
Date: Saturday, 10/29/11
Time: 11:11 a.m.

As I browse for job positions online, there are only two available at the local hospital: clerical and Certified Nurse Assistant.  I know I can't be too picky at this point, but neither of those positions are very appealing to me right now.  With my current savings, I'll be able to take care of the mortgage and bills for the next six months, but I also know I need to start working soon.  Before running into Brad a few days ago, I had a small glimmer of hope that my stay in Appaloosa will only be temporary.  But after the vivid flashbacks of what he and my sister did, Bridgeport is not an option anymore.  I need to give this city a chance.  I need to start building a life here.  I need to find a new purpose besides being in a relationship with a guy, hoping he'll bring me happiness.  I found that, and look where it got me.  

Then I get this crazy idea.  What if I try something different?  What if I explore another career?  Something tells me to visit the Appaloosa Plains School District website, just for the heck of it.  I've never taught in my life, nor am I certified to teach a subject, but I do know that I love helping children.  I have worked with them before in the children's unit, and it warms my heart when I can put a smile on their face, or when I'm able to take their pain away.  I remember the sparkle in David's eyes when he talked about becoming a teacher.  Maybe I can have that same passion.  Hmm...David.  I wonder how he's doing?  I was such a bitch to him last time.  

To my surprise, there is one instructional position available at Appaloosa Plains Public School.    They're looking for a Science teacher to teach at the high school level.  High school? Are you kidding me?? They'll eat me alive!  I can already see them now: hormonal smartasses with attitude for days.  It also appears that the position has been open for over two months now.  What happened?  Why would a teacher leave in the middle of the year, and why haven't they been able to find a replacement? The thought of teaching those kids terrify me even more, and for a moment, it makes me want to beg for my old job back in Bridgeport.  Did I really go through all these years of med school, become a resident, only to end up teaching Science to high school kids?  As scared shitless as I am of the concept, I am strangely drawn to the challenge.  After filling out the application and attaching a copy of my resume and other necessary documents, there is only one thing left to do.  Submit my application.  Now I nervously wait.

The doorbell rings.  Who could that be? I'm not expecting anyone.  The maid is already inside the house, so it can't be him.  Oh, God.  Please don't tell me it's Brad.  My heart races at the thought of him showing up unannounced.  

Photobucket

Oh my God, it's Luke!!! How did he find me??  Just seeing his smiling face makes me emotional, and it takes every bit of self-control not to lose my composure in front of him.  It feels so good to see a familiar face again, and of all people that I could ask for, it's Luke.  For the first time since I left Bridgeport, it feels like everything is going to be okay.  I don't feel so alone in this strange town.  It's as if someone sensed my loneliness and heard my prayers because here he is, standing at my door.  Call me crazy, but I swear it feels like Superman came to my rescue.  He always seems to know when I'm in desperate need of a friend. And just when I think it can't get any better, I see Nikki right next to him, looking up at me with her tail wagging endlessly.  My Nikki!!  I start jumping for joy, my excitement knows no bounds.  I pinch myself, thinking this is all a dream, but it's very real. 

"She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden

She hides"

Photobucket

"I can't believe you're here!!" I squeal as I run into his arms, squeezing him tight.  I'm afraid that if I let go, he'll vanish, and I'll wake up all alone on my bed, in the dark.  The warmth of his strong arms enveloping me feels like heaven wrapped in a soft blanket, making me feel so secure and protected.  I can feel how hard his chest is against mine as the masculine, earthy scent of his cologne teases my pulse, stirring up longings that I've tried to avoid in the last two years.

"I know.  It's so good to see you!" His warm breath brushes against my neck, making me squeeze my eyes shut just to hide the shivers crawling down my shoulders.

Photobucket

"How did you find me??" I fnally find the courage to look in his pale, emerald green eyes.  The  last time I saw them was that day we kissed.  Just thinking about it makes me blush, knowing he's here now, right in front of me.  

"You want the truth?" He grins nervously, as if he did something bad.  It makes me even more curious.  The only other person that knows where I live is Brad.  Wait..unless...

Photobucket

"Brad told me what happened.  So I got pissed, beat him up and took Nikki." A twinkle flashes across his eye, as if he didn't have a choice in the matter.

"Oh my God, you beat him up??" I gasp, silently savoring the thought of that motherfucker writhing in pain.  Gosh, just when I think Luke can't get any hotter, he whoops Brad's ass and brings Nikki back to me.  My Superman.  He really did come to save the day!  

"Yeah.  Bad." He nods, as if he was glad I wasn't there to see it.

"How bad?" I bite my lower lip as I squeeze his shoulders, my eyes locked with his.  

"Let's just say...I almost killed him." He shakes his head in shame.

"Oh, Luke!! Is he okay?" I giggle, loving the fact that he's not afraid to make someone his bitch.  Damn, that's hot!!

"He's fine." 

Photobucket

"Hey pretty girl, I missed you!!" I smile as Nikki bathes my face with her warm, slobbery tongue.  I felt so awful for leaving her behind that I honestly thought I was never going to see her again.  The week or so without her has been harder than I thought.  There were many nights when I wished she was right next to me in bed, but she wasn't, and it just killed me inside.  Even though I didn't have any luck finding another dog, I'm relieved now.  Who would have thought she would come back to me? And this is all because of Luke.

Photobucket

"Did you miss mommy? Hmm?? Have you been a good girl? I thought I lost you!" I cup her beautiful face in my hands as I find the warmth in her brown eyes.  She smiles as she listens intently to every word, her tail wagging fiercely.  Now I have someone to keep me company in this house.  I can even take her with me wherever I go.  As much as I love Mr. Nunu and as grateful as I am to have found him, having Nikki around just makes my life feel a little more complete.  Even though she's a reminder of what I used to share with Brad, she's also what got me through my loneliness towards the end of our relationship.  When Brad wasn't around, Nikki was always there by my side, loving me no matter what and kissing my tears away.

Photobucket

"Are you hungry?" I ask as he follows me into the kitchen.  That long drive must have worked up his appetite, and it's almost noon.

"A little." He grabs one of the bar stools.

"Are hotdogs okay?" 

"I'll eat anything." 

"Haha.  Not very picky, are you?" I chuckle as I take the hotdogs out of the fridge.  He'll eat anything. Damn.  My mind wanders into a dirty place.  The way he said it...  Or am I just a perv?  I can feel his gaze behind me, making me nervous all of a sudden, like he's watching my every move.  

Photobucket

"How was the drive?" I briefly look at him as I split the buns in half.

"It was good.  Not much traffic.  I made sure Nikki went to the bathroom before we left." 

"Awww, that's good.  It's so cute seeing you guys together." It's strange but Nikki and Luke together...it makes sense somehow.  Brad was good with Nikki, but I always felt like the main caretaker because he was hardly around. 

"Well, Nikki is a charmer.  My brother Jake didn't want to let her go.  I think I know where she gets it from." 

"Haha.  Who?"

"You.  Just like her mom." He smiles, intently watching my face.

I can feel my cheeks turn crimson.  Oh dear...

"You know, you're the first person I cooked for in this house." I change the subject, hoping to divert his attention away from me.

"Oooh, I feel special." He rubs his hands together in excitement.

Photobucket

"Mmm...this is really good, Lyn." He murmurs as he devours half a hot dog in one bite.  For a moment I'm hypnotized by the way his mouth moves, as if he hasn't eaten in days.  Mmm...a fireman with a huge appetite.  I can see him doing grueling work-outs without a shirt, dripping in sweat, just reeking of pure manliness.  Then he comes home and inhales a huge steak, licking his fingers like he just ravaged a woman until she passed out.  

"I'm glad you like it." I shift my focus on my own plate as I take another bite.

"This is a nice place you have here."  He looks around, examining his surroundings.

"Thank you.  An elderly couple used to live here but they died.  I found out this house was for sale the day I moved here."

"Wow, that's crazy.  The very same day?"

"Yeah.  And you know what's crazier? Before I found the house, I bought a horse that same day.  It turns out that he used to belong to the previous owners."

"Damn.  It's like they chose you or something." His eyes widen in shock.

"You know, that's the same thing that my neighbor said.  She thinks it's fate."

"Maybe you're connected to them in some way but you just don't know it."

Photobucket

"You think so?" I'm even more intrigued.  I love stories like this, when things seem to be destined.

"You never know.  What are the chances of something like that happening on the same day you move into a strange town?" He takes his last bite. "
You wanna hear something strange?"

"What, what??"

"I feel very comfortable here.  Like I've been here before." 

"Okay, Luke, you're creeping me out." I feel goosebumps travel up my arms.  What's even stranger is that he may be on to something.  Him being here...feels right.  It makes sense, like he was supposed to be here all along.  I start pondering if...we knew each other in a past life.  Even the idea that we are both connected to this house.  Is it possible? Could we have known each other before?  There's something about him, his presence, his energy...that makes everything okay, despite the mess that's going on in my life.  

"Sorry.  It was just a crazy idea." He shrugs as he picks up the empty plates on the table.

"No, don't do that! You're my guest!" I reach for the plates but he takes a hold of my hand.

"You made lunch.  At least let me get the dishes." The intensity of his gaze stops me in my tracks as he squeezes my hand.

"Um...okay..." I stammer as he lets my hand go, making me forget what I was protesting about.

Photobucket

Just when I enter the dining room to put the leftovers away, I catch a glimpse of him in front of the sink.  The way he's standing there, scraping the crumbs off the plates before placing them in the dishwasher, just stirs an indescribable feeling inside.  There's something sexy but kind about his gesture.  He wants to wash dishes because I made lunch when he's the one that just came from a long trip.  I can't find the words to explain what he's doing to me.  The only other time I felt like this was when I watched him selflessly and courageously put out that fire in the Bridgeport condo, saving five lives, including my own.

"You've gone 

A million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where

You can't remember
And you can't forget"


Photobucket

Here we are, all alone in this big house.  Since we met, we've always had to keep our distance because I was in a relationship with his best friend.  I even went as far as avoiding him in the last two years because of the inexplicable attraction I felt for him, even when I was with Brad. But now...Brad's not in the picture anymore.  What's going to stop us from giving in to our desires? This scares me even more.  Luke has been a great friend, and as much as I would love to jump his ass on the couch, he's the only thing that makes sense in my life right now.  I don't want to lose that.

Watching him flopped on the couch, with his eyes glued to the sports channel reminds me that he's not exactly a girlfriend that I can cry about my problems with over frozen margaritas and butter pecan ice cream.  He's a man.  A very hot man that I'm having filthy thoughts about.

Photobucket

"So how long will you be in town?" I ask nervously, hoping he'll be here for a while.  Even though he's only been here for a few hours, he's already taking my loneliness away.

"It depends on how long you need me here." 

"You can stay as long as you want." I hold my breath as I meet his eyes.

"Don't say that." He laughs.

"Why?"

"I may never leave." 

Photobucket

"Then don't leave." I challenge him as I watch the coy smile on his face.

"Haha.  Well, I told my dad that I'll be here for a few days."

"How many?"

"No more than three."

"That's it?? That's too short---" I stop myself before I sound even more desperate and needy.  What is wrong with me?? Why am I begging him to stay?  He has a life in Bridgeport, how can I expect him to just drop it at my request?

"I'll see if I can stay longer." He grins, his eyes brimming with excitement.

"Yayy!! Thank you!!" I clap my hands, squealing in delight.

Photobucket

Later that night, he asks to see Mr. Nunu.  The only other person that's met him is David, during the riding lesson.  Within ten minutes, my beast warmed up to him and happily followed him around on lead.  If Mr. Nunu likes Luke right away, I'm in big trouble.  If he has the ability to win the hearts of my beloved animals, I will be putty in his hands.

"This is my beast, Mr. Nunu." I proudly introduce him to Luke.  

"Wow, he's a beauty." His jaw drops as he holds his hand out to be sniffed.  

"Thank you.  Nunu means beautiful in Hawaiian." 

"I like that. I can see why you had to take him home."

Photobucket

"You're a good boy, Mr. Nunu.  You've been keeping your mom company, huh?" Luke whispers into his ear as the beast happily listens.  The way he says "mom" when he refers to me...makes me feel even more warm and maternal.  I start to imagine what it would be like...if I was carrying his baby instead.  I can see him listening to my belly as I get fat, rubbing my feet when they swell and running to the store to get butter pecan ice cream when I get cravings. Just the thought takes my breath away.  Wait, why am I thinking like this??

"First Nikki, now Mr. Nunu? You certainly have a way with them!" 

"I can't help it.  They're so easy to love." He gently strokes Mr. Nunu's face.

Photobucket

Luke follows me to the stable as I put Mr. Nunu in his pen.  After checking to make sure he has enough hay and water, I latch the gate close.  This is usually a private moment between my beast and I, sort of like tucking him in at night.  After all, he's all I had when I moved to this town.  Letting Luke see this is like letting him into a world I have worked hard to protect as he slowly becomes a part of the life that I'm building here.

"Goodnight, sweetie.  Sweet dreams, okay? Mommy loves you." I kiss his beautiful face, feeling even more vulnerable knowing that Luke heard and saw all of it.

Photobucket

"Goodnight, buddy.  I'll see you tomorrow." He caresses his muzzle ever so gently, with the most loving voice.  My heart melts at the way he treats my fur babies, as if they are his own, as if he has raised them with me from the beginning.  As thrilled as I am to see all of this, a part of me is still afraid to get too close and trust completely.  Brad started out very attentive and caring in the beginning, swept me off my feet, made me fall hopelessly in love with him.  Look what happened.  He ended up sleeping with my sister and destroying my heart.  He took a part of me that I may never get back.  

"The lake is really beautiful at night. You wanna go?" I ask, trying not to let the negative memories of  Brad ruin Luke's visit.  

"Right now?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, let's go!"

Photobucket

"She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into

The parts of herself
That'll bring you down
Shell let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden

Don't think twice"


*Copyright 2012 Lyn C.S.*
---------------------------------------------

"Secret Garden" by Bruce Springsteen

Video by: BruceSpringsteenVEVO

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Chapter Twenty-Five (Dreaming With A Broken Heart)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 24 (Why)
-I ran into Lyn outside the Appaloosa hospital after conducting a seminar on medical malpractice.
-She fainted, but took off in her truck as soon as she recognized me.
-I followed her to the lake.
-She asked me why I slept with her sister.
-I explained that I thought she was having sex with Luke.
-I found out that she was 10 weeks pregnant but lost the baby that night I walked out.
-I tried to apologize and beg for another chance but she told me that I destroyed her heart, and she had nothing left to give.
-I followed her home, but she threatened to call the cops if I didn't leave.
-So I left.

*Sexual reference, strong language, violence*

Photobucket

Location: 99 Embarcadero Drive
Date: Friday, 10/28/11
Time: 8:08 p.m.

"When you're dreaming
With a broken heart
The waking up
 Is the hardest part
You roll outta bed 
And down on your knees
And for the moment 
You can hardly breathe"

I was gonna be a dad.  As I chug my third glass of vodka, it scrapes at my throat before it burns my chest.  Slowly, the heat radiates throughout my whole body as I desperately try not to compare it to the warmth of her skin or the sunrise that begins with her smile.  How could I be so stupid?? How could I throw it all away for a piece of ass? A gust of cold wind penetrates through my coat, letting me know that fall is here.  The leaves on the trees are bursting with gold, crimson and pumpkin colors as they start to fall on the ground.  As I shake off the chill from the night air, a pang of loneliness overcomes me.  We used to take long walks in the park around this time last year, hand-in-hand.  Fall and winter were her favorite seasons.  Even though I prefer the hot summer, she loves the cold.  She believes it's the perfect time to curl up on the couch with me as we watch the fog overtake the city.  

I never really understood that until now.  I've never really felt lonely until...she was gone.  I thought I was becoming bored with being with the same person day in and day out.  I was becoming restless, the urge to experience someone, something new becoming stronger each day.  We always had a good sex life, but I started missing the chase.  I started missing the hunt.  Those moments when I meet someone new, and I don't know how they feel about me.  So I have to come up with a strategy to win them over...I wine and dine them, I find out what they need and want and I tell them what they want to hear.  Before I know it, I see the hunger and longing in their eyes.  They want me.  Bad.  I might be the one.  And when I fuck them so good, they start screaming my name, I know I got them hooked.  

Photobucket

Women threw themselves at me all the time.  At the bars, at the clubs, at work, even at the gym.  I honestly don't know why.  I've had so many chances to tap new pussy but I passed up the opportunity because I loved her.  She made me happy.  She believed in me becoming a doctor, she took care of me and she took away the emptiness inside.  I envisioned her becoming my wife and the mother of my kids, but I was always afraid that I'll lose my freedom.  I just wasn't ready to be tied down, but at the same time, I liked having her in my life.  The problem was, she started questioning where our relationship was headed.  She would bring up  "marriage" and the walls would feel like they were closing in on me.  I couldn't breathe. 

She also became more demanding of my time.  She didn't understand that I had to put in a lot of hours at the hospital since I was a first year general practitioner, and she was a resident.  She had more flexibility since she was still learning the ropes at the hospital but I was trying to establish my career.  She would complain that we never saw each other, and I never made an effort to spend time with her.  Instead of greeting me with a warm hug when I come home like she used to, she would just roll her eyes in disappointment.  She wouldn't even speak to me.  And when she does, she ends up complaining.  And we would end up fighting again.  I felt like I could never do anything right, I could never do enough, and after a while, I just got sick of it.  The last thing I need when I get home after a long, tiring, sleepless day is to be nagged about the same shit.   So I started avoiding being at home.  

But when I came home and found her kissing Luke, I couldn't believe my eyes.  My own best friend, in my own home, with my girlfriend.  She complains that I'm never around but she invites another man to keep her company instead.  I knew there was something going on between them.  The way they kept stealing glances at each other that night they met, it was like I didn't even exist.  She barely moved in one month, and she was already flirting with Luke.  I guess it served me right when she caught me flirting with her sister, but still...there was something about the way they looked at each other that killed me inside.  Like she wished she was with him instead of me.  And I don't think I've ever been able to get past that.

Photobucket

After I walked out on her that night, I went straight to the bar.  Liquor was the only thing that could drown out the flashbacks of what I saw.  Before I had the chance to beat Luke's ass, he already left.  My temper was on high alert that night.  The thought of him touching her and kissing her...fucking her...made my blood boil.  My so-called best friend.  If I didn't leave, I probably would have ended up saying things I would regret. Or worse...physically hurting her due to my anger.  That same night, I ran into Naveah.  She was with some other guy, but as soon as she saw me, she ditched him to sit next to me at the bar.  I always thought she was hot.  She's the kind of girl I would have nasty, animal sex with.  The kind of girl that I can call up anytime...blowjob in the car, sex in the bathroom stall at the club or a late night booty call just because I'm horny as hell.  I know she'll be there.  I know she's been wanting to fuck me since that night we met.  I could see it in her eyes, hating her sister because she found me first.

So I told her everything that happened.  That Lyn kissed my best friend, and she's been very demanding lately, almost impossible to please.  Her sister assured me that Lyn was an idiot, and she didn't know what she had: a hot doctor.  It felt good to have my ego stroked.  It's been a while since Lyn has even said anything nice to me or about me.  The things that her sister whispered in my ear: if I was hers, we would never leave the bedroom, a man like me is hard to find and how she would treat me so good, I'd never have a reason to leave.  Something about the boldness in her voice stirred something inside of me, and I found my dick needing a stroke too.  She wanted me.  She will do anything to have me.  And that's the kind of shit I missed.  

I don't know if it was the liquor making my head spin or the hungry look in her eyes, but I ended up fucking her in the men's bathroom stall.  The sight of her bent over the toilet with her skirt around her waist, moaning like a little whore while I pounded hard into her from behind, just fueled the madness in me.  Hell yeah, that felt good.  No strings, no attachment.  Just straight fucking.  I took all of my frustrations out on her body and she just took it.  At one point, I rammed into her so hard, she was crying out in pain but that just made me hold on to her hips even tighter.  Just when I was getting ready to come, she got on her knees, took the condom out and took every drop of me in her mouth.  I knew I had to see her again.

Huh.  I thought I had the upper hand.  I thought I was getting back at Lyn for hurting me.  I thought fucking her sister would be the best revenge, and it would make me feel better, but nothing could have prepared me for the anguish in her eyes when she caught us in bed.  Everything that we shared during the last two years crumbled right in front of me, and I knew I fucked it up.  Now here I am, all alone.  She's gone, but she's still everywhere in this condo.  Her clothes are still in the closet.  Her flip-flops are still sitting out on the balcony next to the hot tub.  Her make-up and toiletries are still on top of the bathroom vanity, untouched.  Her favorite ice cream, butter pecan, is still in the freezer.  Worst of all, I can still smell her every night.  Her sweet scent lingers on the sheets and pillows, stirring an aching need to hold her soft body once again.  She's gone.  God, I fucking miss her. 

"Wondering 

Was she really here?
Is she standing

In my room?
No she's not,

'Cause she's gone,
Gone, gone, gone, gone"


Photobucket

I didn't know what else to do, so I called Luke.  I didn't know who else to talk to.  The guilt and regret was just killing me inside.  Looking back now, what he did with Lyn was nothing compared to what I did with her sister.  I wish I can turn back time and change what I did, but the damage has already been done.  I've been comforting myself with liquor all week, but even that can't numb the pent up emotions I've been holding inside.  Lyn once told me that all I had to do was talk to her when we were having problems, but I didn't listen.  She might still be here today.  Instead, I stormed off, got drunk at a bar and ended up screwing her sister out of spite.  Twice.

"Hey, man..." 

"Hey, Brad." 

Photobucket

It's been over a week since I last saw Luke.  Since that night I caught him kissing Lyn, I wrote him off, never wanting anything to do with him again.  Even though I was already having problems with her, I still wanted to blame someone.  And he was the perfect scapegoat for the things that went wrong in our relationship.  But now that he's here, sitting across me, I'm reminded of what a good friend he's always been.  When my dad would get pissed drunk, he would take his anger out on my mom, calling her a bitch, a whore and all of the foul names in the book.  He also hit her.  I would take J.C. in my room and hide while Luke stays on the phone until I stopped crying.  When my mom finally had enough and left my dad for another man when I was 10, he would take his anger out on me and J.C.. Luke's parents finally called the cops and took us in until he was released from jail.  When I blamed myself for failing to protect my mom, he assured me that it wasn't my fault, even though it felt like she abandoned us. 

I've been waiting for her to come back but she never did.  And since she left, my once fragile heart has hardened over the years.  She took that little boy with her, along with his trust and faith in women.

"Everything alright?" Luke's voice brings me back to the present, his face full of concern.

"Yeah..." I sigh, overcome with shame over what I've done.  

Photobucket

"Look...I'm really sorry about what happened.  I was way out of line and I was wrong for that.  " He nervously looks me in the eyes.

"It's okay, man.  It doesn't matter anyway."

"Why do you say that?"

"It's over."

"Wait...you guys broke up?" 

"Yeah..."

Photobucket

"What happened?"

"I slept with someone else." Hearing the words come out of my mouth stings even more, making it a reality.

"What??" He narrows his eyes in disbelief.

"It's just...we were having problems and it seemed like nothing I did was enough. It was like she wasn't happy anymore."

"So you cheat on her? You couldn't even try to talk to her about it??"

Photobucket

"Well, it was that night I saw you guys kissing.  I thought you were sleeping together."

"Look, Brad.  I never slept with her, I told you that.  We kissed, that was it.  I stopped myself because you're my best friend.  What I did was wrong, I admit that."

"I know.  She told me that too.  But I still didn't believe it."

"Where is she now?"

"She's in Appaloosa Plains.  I ran into her a few days ago. "

"What is she doing there?"

".............."

"Brad, what's going on, man??"

"When she caught me with her sister----"

Photobucket

"What?? Her sister?!!" He jumps off the couch so fast, I don't even have time to blink.

"I made a mistake, alright?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?? You fucked her sister?!!"


"Hey, at least she gave me the attention I needed!!"

"You know what, bro?? If Lyn was any other broad that you usually date, I wouldn't care.  But she doesn't deserve that, I don't care what she's done to you!!"

"Of course you're gonna take her side! Now's your chance to hook up with her!!"

"Do you really think I'm that sleazy?? To go after a woman that you just screwed over?!"

"Like it stopped you before??"

Photobucket

"Fuck you!!" His eyes burn with red-hot rage as he lunges towards me.

The next thing I know, my back hits the wooden floor.  I try to escape his hold, but he presses his weight on my stomach, making it hard for me to breathe.  The sight of his clenched fist heading towards my face makes my pulse race.  I can hear my cheekbone pop as it absorbs the force from his hand.  Before the pain registers, he bombards me with merciless strikes to my neck, nose, head, stomach and liver.  I can feel warm blood oozing down my nose as I absorb every sharp blow to my body, making me cry out in agony.

"You motherfucker, you don't deserve her!!" He growls as he grips my neck with both hands, causing me to suffocate.  Panic starts to set in as I struggle to breathe.

Photobucket

"Get up!! I'm not done with your ass!!" He pulls me up from the ground, turns me around and delivers a gruesome blow to my eye.  When my face hits the the floor, he puts me in a chokehold from behind while his legs control my waist, keeping me motionless.  As he pulls me down on top of him, he tightens his grip on my neck, taking away my ability to breathe.  I try to pry his arms off me but he's too strong.  I can feel my airway closing in.  The room becomes blurry.  I am on the brink of passing out.

"L-Luke...y-y-you're choking m-me..." I use every bit of strength I have left to force those weak words out of my mouth.

Photobucket

When he finally lets me go, I desperately gulp down as much air as I can.  I clutch at my throat as my coughs subside.  If he held on a few seconds longer, he would have chocked me to death.

"I should have killed your sorry ass!!" He screams, his voice echoing throughout the living room.

Photobucket

"Where is she?!!" 

"I already told you!"

"No, where does she live??"

"I don't know!"

"Don't lie to me, asshole, unless you want me to break your neck!!"

"Okay, okay!"

"Get your ass up and write it down!!" 

Photobucket

After I quickly write down Lyn's address on a piece of paper, I see him heading in Nikki's direction.  What is he up to now?

"What are you doing??" I yell out behind him as I struggle to walk.  My face feels like raw meat that's been jackhammered, and it hurts just to blink.

Photobucket

"Hey, baby girl!  I'm gonna take you to your mom, okay?" He murmurs as she lovingly kisses his face.  

"No, you can't do that! She's all I have!!" I panic, feeling even more pissed at him for taking away the only living remnant of Lyn.  First he goes after my woman, then beats me up, and now he's taking my dog too??

Photobucket

"Please, Luke.  Don't take her from me." I beg, trying to extract any compassion left in his eyes.

"Let me ask you this.  Did she tell you that she was moving to Appaloosa?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"She just ran out."

"She ran out when she caught you fucking her sister, right?"

"............."

"So let me get this straight.  You didn't know where she was for over a week.  Something could have happened to her.  She's in some strange town all by herself because of you. You didn't even care enough to tell me so I could have looked for her.  And all you're worried about is keeping her dog??"

"She doesn't want anything to do with me."

"What, you wanted her to thank you for screwing her sister??"

"Oh man...I messed up..."

Photobucket

"If you really love her, you'll leave her alone.  If it's meant to be, she'll come back to you.  But you need to let her figure that out for herself." He advices calmly.

"But how am I gonna live without her? I need her, Luke!!"

"Now you know how I feel."

Photobucket

"Do I have to fall asleep
With roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep

With roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them

If I did?
No you won't 

'Cause you're gone
Gone, gone, gone, gone"


Watching Nikki walk away with Luke just tears my heart apart.  She was the only thing that gave me hope of Lyn coming back.  But now he's taking MY dog to see MY woman!! Is he going to take what was once mine?  Is he going to spend the night? Are they going to sleep together? Just the thought of him making her moan in pleasure makes me sick to my stomach.  The happiness that I once held in my hands is now dissipating along with the sound of the elevator door opening.  

"Nikki!!" I drop to the floor, watching my whole world collapse in front me.  

What have I done?? 


*Copyright 2012 Lyn C.S.*
--------------------------------------------------

Author's Note:
I have to give a special thanks to Aussie Karima for her wonderful and uncanny insight into Brad's psyche.  She inspired me to write this chapter from his point of view, and it really set the tone for his confrontation with Luke ;-)

*Ch. 3 (Confessions) in "Heat" covers Luke's point of view.

"Dreaming With A Broken Heart" by John Mayer

Video by: kickinyounow

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Chapter Twenty-Four (Why)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 23 (Take A Bow)
-Even though I went to work the next day, my doctor sent me home with antibiotics and painkillers.
-On the way home, I realized that I still loved Brad and wanted to work things out with him.
-I saw his car parked outside, so I was eager to find out if he still wanted to be with me.
-To my horror, I found Brad having sex with Naveah in our bed.
-I was so shocked and pissed off that I beat the shit out of her.
-I ran out of the condo with Brad begging me to come back.
-Luckily, I got into a cab just in time.
-I found myself on the ground in front of the Appaloosa hospital.
-I found out that I fainted.
-After seeing Brad there, I sprinted to my truck, leaving him behind.

*Strong language. sexual references*

Photobucket

Location: Adventure Landing
Date: Wednesday, 10/26/11
Time: 12:20 p.m.

I can't believe it.  That motherfucker actually found me.  Just when I managed to tuck away the painful memories into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind, he shows up out of nowhere.  I was getting used to my life here.  I was starting to meet new people.  I finally found the peace that I desperately sought.  Now it feels like everything just happened yesterday as he ripped off the stitches that held my heart together, leaving it gaping open again. Raw, bleeding, throbbing in excruciating pain.  The whole week that I spent here trying to start over, trying to pick up the pieces, has been thrown out the window.  It is day one all over again, and the wound is just as fresh.

This place was the only thing on my mind when I floored the gas pedal in front of the hospital.  I heard the water calling me somehow.  Like a mother with open arms, it patiently waits for me to find it.  I'm here.  I need you.  Please make the pain go away.

Photobucket

But the cool breeze gently caressing my face fails to soothe my troubled soul.  The gentle lapping of the waves on the shore can't drown out the flashbacks of Brad pounding my sister from behind.  Even the warmth of the sun isn't intense enough to bring the life back into my weary eyes.  None of it can bring back that girl that was once full of life and hope, even when her relationsihip was falling apart.  I loved him with my all of my heart and soul, with my whole being.  I set aside my own needs to accomodate his, even when he failed to hold up his end of the deal.  I tolerated numerous lonely days and nights to support his dreams, but I had no one to share mine with.  I even passed up an opportunity to be with another man because of my loyalty to him.  

Photobucket

I hear footsteps behind me.  It's him.  I take a deep breath before I turn around.  He is only a few feet away from me.  The moment our eyes lock, the emotions return, making me breathless.  Why did he have to wear that suit, looking all hot? My heart betrays me.  I start longing for him...his scent, his arms, his lips, the warmth of his body.  What is wrong with you? He just screwed us over!! I snap at my own heart for finding a moment of weakness especially at a time like this.

Photobucket

"What the fuck are you doing here?!! Were you following me??" I scream as I shove him, my lips trembling in anger. 

"No, I was doing a seminar at the hospital.  I didn't even know you were here." He explains as he tries to regain his balance.

"You expect me to believe that?!" I narrow my eyes as my hands clench into a tight fist.

"You can call the hospital if you want.  I just signed out.  I'm just glad I found you." He takes a step towards me, but quickly stops when he sees the wrath burning in my eyes.

"Fuck you, Brad." I shake my head in disgust. He has the audacity to act like he's concerned about my well-being.

Photobucket

"Lyn, I'm so sorry..."  His eyes penetrate through mine in anguish and regret.

"How could you?? With my sister??" 

"I thought you and Luke were sleeping together..."

"Why would you think that??"

"Because...I saw the way you looked at each other when you first met.  It was like I didn't even exist, like you wished you were with him instead." 

"So you sleep with my sister instead of talking to me about it?"

"I'm sorry...I fucked up." He looks away, avoiding the painful truth in my eyes.

"Some things are
Better left unsaid
But they still turn me

Inside out
Turning inside out

Turning inside out
Tell me...
Why
Tell me...
 
Why"

Photobucket


"I fucking loved you, you asshole, you were my world!!  I would have done anything for you---"

"Lyn, I---"

"Let me finish!! Now it's my turn to speak and you will listen to every word, do you understand me??"

He nods quietly, looking down at the ground.

"You were never around. I got tired of being lonely. So I called Luke. And you know what we did? We talked about you. I told him I didn't know what else to do. And you know what he said? That you don't know what you have. And I missed us. I hated the fact that it wasn't you who was there. So I kissed him, just to get try to get that feeling again. But he stopped because of you. You're like a brother to him, and he didn't want to hurt you. He was just trying to help us but you assumed the worst. And then you stormed out."

"I...I don't know what to say..."

"You didn't even give me a chance to tell you..."

"Tell me what?"

"That I was 10 weeks pregnant..."

Photobucket

"What?? Pregnant??" He cups my face with his hands, eyes wide in shock.

"We were gonna have a baby..."

"I was gonna be a dad??" His eyes light up.

"Yes...but I lost it...when you walked out."

"Oh, man. Fuck! Fuck!!" He pulls me close as he kisses my forehead. I want so much to break away from his embrace and run, but his aquatic, masculine scent overpowers any strength I have to fight it.  My tears soak through the fabric of his suit as I bury my face in his chest.

Photobucket

"Oh, God!!" I finally release all of the pain, regret, fear, humiliation and despair that this man has put me through. As he squeezes me tighter, I cling to him even more, holding on to the remnants of the feelings that we used to share, the times when we used to be happy, the passion that used to consume our waking moment.  He was supposed to be my soulmate. He was supposed to be my happy ending.  He was supposed to be the father of my children, living in a nice house with a white picket fence.  He was not supposed to break my heart, making me almost want to kill myself, running off to some strange town just to get away from the pain. I was not supposed to be lost...and all alone.

"I was gonna be a dad..." He chokes on his own words as he caresses my back, his touch warming my skin and fragments of my own heart.

"These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents

Of my head
And these are the years 

That we have spent
And this is what

They represent"

Photobucket

"I need to make this right...just give me a chance to make this right." He pleads, his face covered with shame and regret.

"Brad..." I've waited so long to hear those words, to finally see him take interest in repairing our relationship. But it feels like he's a week too late. His words merely bounce off my ears. They have lost their meaning. Why couldn't he say this the night before he walked out, when I was pregnant and full of hope? Why couldn't he say this when I came home from the doctor's office, when I realized that I still loved him? And I would have taken any crumb that he tossed in my direction.

Photobucket

"Please, Lyn...give me another chance.   I love you!" His eyes fill with panic as I hear the desperation in his voice.

"You fucked my sister. You destroyed my heart. I have nothing left to give you." I turn my face away. Just hearing Naveah's name in my head makes me sick to my stomach. Of all the women he could have gone after, he chose her. The other person besides my mom that made me feel inferior all my life, like I wasn't worthy of respect or love. She always had my parents' attention, she was always my parents' pride and joy, but why did she have to go after Brad? Besides the baby, he was the only thing that truly belonged to me...and even I couldn't have that.

"And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel ?
'Cause I don't think

You know how I feel
I don't think you 
Know what I feel
I don't think you

Know what I feel
You don't know what I feel"


Photobucket

"I'm sorry..." He slumps, looking disappointed and defeated.  For a moment, my heart goes out to him.  I believe that he's remorseful of what he did.  But my mind won't let me forget what I saw.  How can he stand there and tell me loves me when he just disrespected me in my own home, in my own bed, with my own sister?  How little did he think of me to think that he could get away with it?  What did the last two years mean?  Was it all a lie?                                                                          

"Sorry won't change what happened..." I look into his pale blue eyes one more time, trying to remember all of his redeeming qualities, trying to remember what made me fall in love in the first place. Right now, they are buried underneath his failure and betrayal. Instead, I am bombarded by memories of lonely nights, broken promises and flashbacks of his body grinding against Naveah's.

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

"Baby, please let me in...give me another chance...please..." He pleads as he bangs against the door.

"You need to leave." For a moment, I am tempted to open the door and run into his arms. I can just forget about everything that's happened. I can pretend that things were like they used to be. He's here now, he wants another chance, and he seems remorseful of what he did. I'm not going to lie and pretend I still don't want him, that my heart and body doesn't crave him. My drug is banging at my door, begging to come in, waiting, just waiting for me to take a hit. I can fuck the shit out of him tonight, take out all of my  frustrations as I use his body like a punching bag, until I have no use for him. Whatever it takes to make him feel a fraction of the pain that I felt when I caught him in bed with my sister.

But it's almost impossible for me to look at his face without hers right beside it and hearing his name without hers echoing behind. He has touched her, he has tasted her, he has been inside of her and made her moan like a whore. It tears into my heart even more, and this time, she is laughing at me.

"Please, Lyn...I need you..."

"Don't make me call the cops."

"..........."

Photobucket

"This is the book
I never read
These are the words

I never said
This is the path

I'll never tread
These are the dreams

I'll dream instead"


*Copyright 2012 Lyn C.S.*
-------------------------

"Why" by Annie Lennox
Video by: AnnieLennoxVEVO