Chapter Forty-Three (So Close)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 42 (The Promise)
-Lyn had flashbacks of Emma, Jesse and William at Hangman's Tree.
-Jesse continued his affair with Emma.
-Emma admitted that Abigail is Jesse's daughter.
- Jesse gave Emma another ultimatum: either they divorce their spouses 
or he moves far away from her.
-Even more fearful of losing him, Emma agreed to speak to William 
and ask for a divorce.
-This promise of happiness was cut short when William caught them, 
especially during the act.
-Hurt and betrayed, William pulled a gun at Jesse.
-Jesse provoked William by saying, "She doesn't love you, and she never did."
-Infuriated, William shot Jesse.
-As Jesse took his last breath in Emma's arms, he made her promise to wait 
for him in the next life, and he will find her.
-Not able to go on without Jesse, Emma told William to shoot her.
-He shot her, then shot himself.



Location: Hangman's Tree National Landmark
Date: Saturday, 11/05/2011
Time: 5:47 p.m.

I can feel the cool blades of bermuda grass prickling my arms as my heavy eyes slowly open up to the fading peach skies overtaken by dusk. The sensation of small rocks struggling to breathe under the weight of my back makes it even more apparent that I'm on the ground, and I have no idea how I ended up like this. Promise me...in the next life. I keep hearing this in my head. The more the words circulate in my mind, the more they cause my head to throb, as if they're trying to dig deep in my memory.

As I look over my left, my eyes stumble on the base of the barren oak tree before a figure on the ground catches my attention---and my heart races in panic. I gasp,"Oh my God, Lyn!" Despite the overwhelming weakness in my body, I push myself off the ground and rush to her side. She's unconscious. Frantically cradling her in my arms, I mutter, "Wake up, talk to me!" 

"What happened?" A man's familiar voice calls out nearby, making me spot Brad immediately. He's also on the ground, sitting up and looking bewildered. 

"I don't know," I reply absentmindedly before my attention returns to Lyn, who is still limp in my arms. I press my index and middle finger against the side of her neck to check her pulse. Under the warmth of her skin, I can feel a faint but steady beat. Immediately, I place the same fingers under her nostrils to check on her breathing. Like the steam of a hot cup of coffee, a rhythmic movement of balmy air escapes her nose, radiating onto my fingers, letting me know that she's okay. "Come on, baby, wake up."



She's still unresponsive. Even though her vitals are normal, I can't help but feel partly responsible for her passing out. I provoked her, knowing I was poking at old wounds, even   wounds that haven't completely healed. This scum had the nerve to ask her to marry him, knowing what he's done, after he took advantage of her vulnerability. No, she can't wake up to this. I won't let her. We're the reason why she had a nervous breakdown, and I'm not going to let her go through that stress again. She needs to be somewhere safe and quiet. With this epiphany, I gently pick her body up.

"What are you doing?" Brad quickly rushes to his feet, his eyes in a frenzy at the sight of Lyn in my arms. I've seen those blue eyes gloss over carelessly when he's drunk, fire up in jealousy when he caught me and Lyn kissing, look down in shame when he admitted  to cheating on Lyn, wince in fear as Mr. Clemens struck his face and beg for forgiveness after he slept with Natalie. I've seen the many faces of Brad over the years, but I have never seen him so helpless until now, now that I've taken matters into my own hands for the second time.

"I'm taking her home." I flash Brad a "back-off" glare as I head towards the truck. I've carried an unconscious man out of a burning home before, but this time, it's different. It's the woman I love---the woman I would move mountains for---just to protect. My Lois Lane is in danger from her own vulnerable heart. I need to get her away from here, away from Brad as soon as possible.



Location: 1012 Pomona Promenade
Time: 6:35 p.m.

As I lay here next to her, listening to her breathing, I start to wonder if I should do what I came here to do when she wakes up---tell her how I feel. But is this really the best time to do it? My hand slowly traces the curve of her hip, watching it fall at the graceful dip of her waist, causing her to stir in muffled groans, before it rests on her upper thigh. I lean in to smell her hair, a mixture of fruits and flowers mixed with her body heat, and it causes my heart to quicken in longing, which grows by the second. I close my eyes as I continue to caress the dip of her waist, lost in the cozy stillness of her home, eager to pull her in my arms and just unleash the chains of restraint---if I could. 

"Jesse..." This name escapes her lips in the faintest of whispers that I almost missed it, but I know I heard it. This is the second time she said this name---causing names like William, Abigail and John to surface. It cuts through the fibers of my own heart, breaking down the barriers of my mind, slowly haunting me with images of a time I have long forgotten. The night Lyn had a nightmare, our first trip to Hangman's Tree, how uncomfortable I felt, the flashbacks of a blonde woman and dark-haired man with a beard by the barren oak tree and Lyn's familiar presence soon after that. Then the strange way we all ended up on the ground at Hangman's Park earlier, and not being able to recall what happened. Seeing Lyn's unconscious state, followed by my visions of a man named William catching Emma and Jesse having sex and the tragic end of their lives. "Come back to me...Jesse..."

"Shhhh...it's okay." Shivers run up my spine upon hearing that, as if Lyn's energy just climbed on my hand and washed over my whole being. Promise me...in the next life. I hear this voice once again, and this time, it's my own. As if it just happened yesterday, I can still feel Emma's tears dripping down my bloody face as she said 'I promise', my heart searing with pain, not wanting to leave her, but unable to hold on any longer. All my life I've been searching for "the one", my other half, the woman I would love beyond life and death---and I found her. "I'm here. I'm finally here."

"You're in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on 
For only two
So close together
And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive"



At the sound of my voice, her body shifts, followed by a silence as the bed creaks to her movement. A faint tap tap tap on the window follows a streak of light submerged in plump gray clouds, which have now swallowed any remnants of sunlight. The howl of wind continues to shake up branches perching on the roof. Raindrops multiply by the thousands, blurring my view of everything else outside. As I watch Lyn sit on the edge of the bed, the soft glow of the lamp casts delicate shadows on her face---haunting and solemn---as if she's still adjusting to her current consciousness. 

Without a word, her shoulders collapse as she buries her face in her hands. 

"Hey," I whisper, gently rubbing her back. "How are you feeling?"

"Just awful." Shaking her head, her voice becomes muffled under the confines of her palms. "What happened?"

"You fainted," I reply, squeezing her arm until she drops her hands on her lap, but she blankly stares out into the window. Now darkness has completely taken over as the rain picks up in heavy gusts, splattering over the windows, dancing all over the roof. Compared to the madness going on outside, the room feels like a peaceful sanctuary---warm and quiet---as if we are the only people that exist in this world. At this very moment, there's nowhere else I would rather be. "I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that." 

"I understand...you were just looking out for me. What are you doing here?"

"I...I needed to tell you something."

"So close to reaching 
That famous happy end
Almost believing 
This one's not pretend
And now you're beside me
And look how far
We've come
So far, we are, so close"



"What is it, Luke?" She asks, slowly running her hands down her face, as if she's trying to reboot her mind from today's craziness. I can feel my lungs tighten as I try to find the words to say, if I should say anything at all. Every molecule in my body, every thought that ever existed in my mind is screaming---urging me to come out with my feelings, with what I know. Tell her. The time has come. NOW. They voice out in unison, generating this energy that I can't shake, making my hands tremble in anxiety. 

"Lyn..." I take a deep breath as I gently place my hand on her chin, slowly caressing it before turning her towards me. Our eyes lock. Like a flood of blue electricity circulating back and forth between us, more powerful than lightning, more powerful than a thousand detonated bombs, more powerful than any earthquake I could ever imagine. 

We sit there frozen, spellbound, in utter awe and shock, as we exchange memories through each other's eyes---everything that we have ever shared since 1904, when we became aware of each other's existence in this town. The consuming love, the misunderstandings, the pride, the broken heart, the guttural pain, the mounds of regret, the crushed dreams, the eternal promise and the agonizing wait---comes back full force.

"Oh my God..." Tears cascade down her cheeks as she puts her hand over mouth, her head shaking in disbelief. 

"Y-yes," My voice breaks as I nod my head.  I can feel my eyes flood, but I hold back as I continue, "It's me."

The bed creaks and bounces as she scoots even closer to me, frantically cupping my face. She searches my eyes and breathlessly whispers, "J-Jesse?"

"Emma---" In one blink, the tears escape, along with a massive sense of relief. 

"No, it can't be!" In a flash, the light in her eyes drown helplessly under a sea of panic. She jumps off the bed, looking at me as if I'm some red-eyed demon in her nightmare, and runs out of the room screaming.

By the time I rush downstairs to the living room, I find Lyn standing there---with her face buried in Brad's chest, sobbing. Son of a bitch! Just when I finally find the courage to tell her how I feel, he shows up---seeing her distressed---making me look like the bad guy. That moment we had earlier was real. I could not have imagined it and I know she recognizes me. She had to! 

"I think you should leave." Brad eyes me as he holds her possessively, caressing her back, making me sick to my stomach. "She's upset enough as it is."

"I'll leave when she tells me to leave." I look him straight in the eyes, glaring, making it known that I won't be intimidated. "Lyn, look at me!"

"I'm sorry..." She mumbles, briefly meeting my gaze before hiding her face in Brad's shirt again. "I can't deal with this right now."

"You're going back to him?" I throw my hands up in exasperation as I continue to watch Brad's face glow in triumph. "After everything that's happened??" 

Silence.

Shaking my head, I head towards the door.

"So close 
So close
And still so far"

*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*

 ----------------------------------

"So Close" by Jon McLaughlin
Video by: JonMclaughlinFAN

Chapter Forty-Two (The Promise)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 41 (Drive)
-Before I had the chance to respond to Brad's proposal,
Luke showed up.
-Luke looked really hurt when he saw us together.
-He called Brad a "piece of work", having witnessed everything.
-Brad retaliated by telling Luke that I let him spend the night.
-Luke was disappointed, but prided himself in not taking
advantage of my vulnerability.
-Brad called him a liar, in his belief that Luke and I slept together.
-Luke caught me red-handed, which forced me to tell the truth.
-I became upset at Luke for stirring up the past again,
especially when he bluntly reminded me of what Brad did.
-Luke claimed that Brad purposely chose my sister to
shatter my self-esteem, knowing my history with her.
-Brad reiterated that he made a mistake and that I forgave him.
-Luke told me I can't marry Brad, that he doesn't deserve me.
-Their bickering became too much for me, and I lost consciousness.

*Strong sexual content, strong language, violence*



Location: Hangman's Tree National Landmark
Date: Saturday, 11/11/1911
Time: 11:11 p.m.

When I open my eyes, I find myself under the barren oak tree again, immersed in the liquid brown eyes of a man who's been haunting my dreams. Under the watchful eye of the stars in the night sky, sparkling like smooth facets of a diamond, I feel an uncanny stillness at the realization that I am completely nude---and so is he. My eyes travel from the thick raven locks of hair resting on his shoulders, to the way his dark beard outlines his strong jaws, the fullness of his lips, to his muscular chest and down to his semi-erect state. I know this man. I know every line on his handsome face, every scar on his body and every hard callous on his large hands. My Jesse. My love. 

My heart swells with longing as I tangle my hand with his, our bodies swaying gently side to side, as I listen to his breathing. I can feel the night slip away with each rustle of a branch, every chirp of a cricket and every brush of air on my skin. I rest my face on his bare chest and mutter, "Don't let go. Dance with me forever."

His warm breath drizzles on my scalp as he kisses the top of my head. "Not even God or Satan can keep me away from you." 

I wish he hadn't said that. Then I wouldn't be reminded that we're not together. I was doing well until that point, accepting my life with my family and trying to make the most of what I already have. I finally convinced myself that things were for the best, that I made the right decision by ending things with Jesse---until I ran into him at the lake---with the woman carrying his child. Since that day, a sort of madness grew in me as I desperately tried to banish him from my memory. But to no avail. Within a month, we found ourselves back in this spot again, a slave to our hearts' desires.  As I trace the firm ridge on his shoulder with my index finger, I ask, "Do you love her?"

"Emma..."

"I need to know. Do you love her?"

"She's a good woman and I do love her. She's my wife." 

"I see." My heart constricts, forcing my lungs to expel an extra burst of oxygen, just to ease the stabbing pains away. For as long as I can remember, I've been the only woman in his life. I'm the only one he has ever loved, and now...not only does he belong to someone else, but he is someone else's husband. 

"That's an unfair question."

"How so?"



"You know damn well I'm still in love with you." He cups my chin and forces me to look at him, holding me prisoner to his burning gaze. There's an anguish that seems to span an eternity, bubbling behind a sea of dark honey with its own gravitational pull, rendering me helpless. Like the moon's inability to escape Earth's mass, forever bound to its presence, Jesse's eyes reduce me to a mere speck of dust that desperately clings to a bead of sweat on his body. "You are in my home, my heart, my thoughts. You are everywhere and you simply won't go away."

"Neither will you, Jesse." I frantically pull him closer to me until the warmth of his skin drowns out everything else around me, even the sharp buzzing of cicadas.  My fingers tangle in his raven hair as it glistens in the silver moonlight, carving out shadows that soften his ruggedly handsome face---making him more like an enigma, and not a physical being. Inhaling his woodsy scent, I repeat, "Neither will you."

"Hear my soul speak." He says with eyes closed, as these words flow out of his mouth like a melody. Slow and deliberate, like an avalanche of thick chocolate sauce oozing down a hill of vanilla ice cream, one millimeter at a time, as if there's no hurry in the world. "Of the very instant that I saw you---"

"---did my heart fly at your service." The rest of the words leave my lips effortlessly, as if I dug them out from his memory, and not mine. "My most beloved line from the Tempest. How do you know this?"

"It's not what I know, my love, it's what I feel for you. Shakespeare is the only man who could articulate what's in my heart. " His mouth widens in a smile as his eyes open, returning him from whatever dream or magical place he temporarily slipped into. Cupping my face gently, he searches my eyes as he continues, "O heaven! O earth! Bear witness to this sound. I, beyond all limit of the world, do love...prize...honor you."

"At mine unworthiness, that dare not offer what I desire to give." Imagining Miranda's ache for Ferdinand, I can feel my own heart throb and pulsate like a balloon as it outgrows the confines of my breast plate, yearning to be free with Jesse. "And much less take what I shall die to want..."

"More. I want to hear more. Shower me with them."

"I am...your w-wife... if you will marry me..." The words become shards of broken glass, especially the word "wife", and they scrape through my throat without mercy. The fact that I will never be Jesse's wife just shatters my insides. A heaviness weighs my heart down as I look away, trying to hold back the tears. "Jesse, I can't...it hurts me so."

"Say the words, Emma. I need them to burn in my memory until my last breath."

"To be...your bedfellow...you may deny me." Just like the single russet-colored leaf released by its branch, a warm tear rolls down my cheek. "But...I'll be your servant."  

"As I am yours," he whispers as his mouth crashes into mine.

"If you wait for me 
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place
For you in my heart"

 "There is something I need to know." Jesse pulls his lips away for a moment as his caramel brown eyes penetrate mine again. "And you need to be truthful." 

"What is it?" I ask breathlessly, looking up at him, while trying to keep my knees steady.

"Is Abigail mine?"

"Jesse..."

"Is she my daughter, Emma? Answer me."

"Before you left, I suspected that I was pregnant. By the time I met William, I knew."

"You knew of this and you never told me? How could you!"

"Because you left! Because I was afraid! Because I never thought I would see your face again!"

"Darling...forgive me. I can see now why you married William...but you don't love him."

"I do, it's just..."

"No. You don't love him. You love me. Abigail is mine and I need to be her father. You need to be my wife. Emma, enough with these games. Why are we doing this to ourselves?"

"What about William and my son? Your wife? The child she's carrying? How can we just destroy their lives like this?"

"So you would rather carry on with this affair? Doesn't that hurt them the same?"

Silence.

"The time has come, Emma. The time has come for us to be happy. Otherwise, I shall have to move far away from you. We can never, ever see each other again."

"No! You cannot do that to me! I will just die!"

"I've longed for you 
And I have desired
To see your face
Your smile
To be with you 
Wherever you are"



"I will speak to my wife tomorrow and request a divorce." His eyes travel to my lips as his hand swoops over my neck, slowly caressing it. My mind races at the idea of Jesse leaving his wife for me, completely enthralled by the absence of doubt in his decision. My eyelids involuntarily close at the shivers tip-toeing along my spine, the kind of shiver that even the coldest winter gust would be envious of. It pales in comparison to Jesse's touch as his fingers move up my mouth, circling the outer edges of my parted lips. "Will you do the same with your husband?"

"Jesse, you must know that I'm...I'm very afraid." A subtle panic takes over me as I watch my present and future converge. The life that I know with William and my two children---a comfortable and picturesque life that any woman would dream of---subtly fading away as the dream of my new life with Jesse comes into view. To be able to wake up to his face everyday, cook his most beloved dishes, spend quiet nights by the fire, make love to our heart's content and the joy of being in his arms as we sleep. Am I truly one heart-to-heart talk away from this kind of happiness?

"It's alright. I am too. But we cannot go on like this."

"And I cannot lose you again." I take a deep breath as I turn his palm over and kiss it softly. "Yes...yes, I will speak to William tomorrow."

"Oh, Emma! My beautiful Emma!" Not even the glow of the silver moonlight can compete with the sparkle in his eyes as he pulls me close to him, nearly hampering my ability to breath. He keeps me suspended in his arms for what seems like an eternity, drowning my skin in his warmth, as we cling to each other like two sticks of butter trying to survive a hot summer afternoon. He loosens his hold on my back as he looks down at me, devouring me with his eyes. He plants a delicate kiss on my right cheek---tickling me with his beard---then the left...the tip of my nose...the curve of my upper lip...closing my left eyelid shut...then the right...moving down my left jaw...and the center of my chin.  With ardent lips lingering on my right jaw, he says, "I love you. God, I love you."

My body trembles as his mouth moves down my neck, radiating waves of heat from his breath as his tongue glides over my skin, making me nearly collapse from weakness. My futile attempts at words come out in soft whimpers as I mumble, "I...love you too...Jesse Owens. I always...have." 

"You are mine and mine alone, understand?" His voice deepens into a fierce grumble as he pushes me against the barren oak tree. Without effort, he lifts me up until my legs instinctively wrap around his---igniting a warm trickle of moisture deep inside. 

With my arms circling around his neck, I can feel his hard length prod around my opening, which is now swollen in desperation, begging for him to find his way home. Amidst our endless panting and sultry breaths, we shift our bodies until he finally enters me---both a relief and an urgency. "Yes! I am yours, all yours." 

"Nobody will ever love you," He whispers as he buries himself inside me with a demanding thrust--- my back repeatedly scraping the smooth trunk of the barren oak tree. "Kiss you," he plunges deep. "Touch you," he pounds deeper. "Taste you," he withdraws slightly before thrusting with more force, his pelvis grinding against mine until he can't go any deeper, pausing to savor the warm, moist walls gripping him tight. "Like I do."

"No," I moan in hunger as my legs lock around his hips possessively, drunk in the tingles, the sweat, the electricity and the delicious, hot, wet friction of consuming need. "No one could come close. Take me, Jesse! Yes, take me! Oh, God!"

"Nobody will ever make love to you like I do."  

"Not like you, Jesse, not like---William!---"



"No, it's Jesse." He corrects me gruffly, pulling my legs up even higher as he moves his hips in savage impatience. My thighs begin to quiver at the waves of heat and pulsating tingles building up deep inside, crying out for Jesse's thrusts, generating an unpalpable momentum that I can't control---not even in front of my own husband. If heaven and hell ever collapsed into each other, this is it. I am in the very middle of that storm between fire and ice, butterflies and nausea, pain and pleasure, a dream and a nightmare, indulgence and guilt, as my eyes continue to watch William's horrified face. 

Faster, faster. Heavier moans, deeper thrusts, rising to an inevitable peak. Streaks of electricity spread out to my extremities as I contract and explode around Jesse's throbbing length, squeezing and pulling him to oblivion. Lost in the shudders of my helpless body, I cry out, "J-Jessssse!!" 

As my voice---and orgasm---fades into the darkness, William pulls a gun out and points it in our direction, forcing me to detach myself from Jesse's body. His sudden surprise comes to a halt the moment he turns around, his eyes widening at the sight of my husband---and a gun cocked in his direction. William's reddened eyes flash at mine before he turns to Jesse, his mouth trembling as he screams, "You son of a bitch! You've been---" 

"Please put the gun down." Jesse says as he frantically searches for his pants. "We didn't mean for you to---"

"William, I am so sorry." I mutter in shame, slipping my corset and knickers on faster than I can think. "Please put the---"

"Silence! So it's true. The rumors are true." William cuts me off, pulling back the hammer of the revolver with a 'click'. "How could you do this to me, Emma?!"

My heart leaps in my throat as I continue to hold my hands up in an attempt to appease him. The fact that the gun is loaded and cocked in Jesse's direction---makes the gravity of our betrayal even worse. I have never seen William in this state, nor did I ever imagine that he'd be capable of pointing a gun at anyone. His usual gentle and calm nature never revealed that possibility. As I count the tears rolling down his face, my heart breaks, watching him hold the gun with a slightly shaky hand. "William, just put the gun down and we'll resolve this."

"Resolve this? After watching another man fuck my wife? After the things you said to him? What is there to resolve?!" 



"Darling, please listen to me. This is not you. This is not the kind of man you are. Put the gun down, I am begging you!" I plead, feeling the depth of his anger grow by the minute and becoming even more unsure if I'll be able to calm him down.

"Don't you dare call me darling! I have loved you all these years, devoted my life to you, only to be repaid with...with this??"

"William, I do love you. I just---" 

"You just used me for my money! This brute of a man leaves you pregnant so you marry me and pawn off this illegitimate child as my daughter!"

"Don't you say another word about my daughter!" Jesse rebuffs him in contempt, unable to keep his emotions under control. "Look, I am deeply sorry that you had to find out this way but Emma loves me. She wants a divorce."

"Never! Emma is mine and Abigail is mine. I have raised her since she was born and she will not know it any other way! You will not break up my family!"

"Both of you, please calm down." I protest, knowing that William is still pointing a loaded gun at Jesse, and one careless comment can make him snap. If something happens to Jesse, I will never be able to forgive myself.

"You son of a bitch." Jesse takes a step towards William, his face seething with rage.

"Jesse, stop!" I make an attempt to keep him quiet, but the words already flew out of his mouth before I could even blink.

"She doesn't love you, and she never did." 

"Go to hell." 

"William, no!"

CRACK.



"No. No no no no!" I frantically gather Jesse's limp body in my arms and turn him over, only to be stricken in horror at the massive amount of blood smeared on his face and upper body. The wild drumming of my own pulse makes it impossible to find his, and in a submerged moment of panic, I slap his face, nearly beating the life back into him as I scream, "Jesse, noooo! Say something, damn you! Say something!" 

"Emma...." A faint croak escapes his trembling mouth as he struggles to breathe. His eyes meet mine in such a brief flash that I wonder if he's even coherent, or if he knows what just happened.

"Stay with me, my love!" I pull him even closer as I kiss his crimson stained cheek, the smell and taste of copper lingering on my lips.

"Promise me....in the next life..." 

"Yes, my darling, anything!" 

"Wait for me...and..." The words become even more of a struggle as he coughs---his eyes starting to glaze over. "I'll...I'll find you."

"I promise," I whisper as my tears continue to mix with his blood, knowing I'm losing him, cursing time for being so cruel. Snippets of our past flash in his eyes; when we first met at the lake 10 years ago, our first kiss, when he first said 'I love you' and the first time we made love, all witnessed by this barren oak tree. The disapproving look of my parents when I first introduced him, his unease around my circle of friends and the distance that continued to grow between us soon after that. Finally, the last night we spent together before he left for war, the argument that escalated, my unsuccessful pleads for him to stay---and how I cried that night---the searing emptiness he left behind. "Don't leave me, please!"

"I...love you...Emma." And just like swiftness of the cool autumn gust, the last words flee his mouth.

"Nooooooo! No no no no! Oh, God! Bring him back, bring him back!" I rock back and forth in disbelief as I continue to cradle Jesse's motionless body in my arms, kissing his bloody face. An overwhelming hollowness continues to dig away at my insides, moving its way to my defeated heart. Jesse is gone. And a part of me died with him. Promise me...in the next life, his voice echoes in my mind over and over again. I look at William and numbly whisper, "Shoot me then. I can't go on without him."

"You can't go on for me? For Abby and John?"

"You took Jesse away from me. He's gone."

"You selfish little whore! May you both rot in hell!" 

CRACK.

"Forgive me. Please forgive me."

CRACK.



"If you can make 
A promise 
If it's one that 
You can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me"

*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*
-------------------------------------------------------

The Tempest, Act 3, Scene 1 by William Shakespeare

"The Promise" by Tracy Chapman
Video by: papadoc73

Chapter Forty-One (Drive)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 40 (The Only Exception)
-Brad took me to Hangman's Tree.
-He was surprised when I told him that Luke took me there before.
-All of a sudden I felt very tired, and we ended up falling asleep.
-I had a vivid dream about William proposing to Emma
at the very same barren oak tree.
-I didn't say anything to Brad about the dream, but his energy
is definitely familiar.
-He asked if there was anything going on between me and Luke.
-I told him Luke and I are good friends, and that he was there for me.
-Something prompted Brad to ask if I still love him.
-Reluctantly, I admitted it, even telling him "I love you".
-After this, he did something that completely blew me away.
-He said, "Marry me. Be my wife."

*Strong language*



Location: Hangman's Tree National Historic Landmark
Date: Saturday, 11/05/2011
Time: 5: 25 p.m.

"What?" My mouth manages to physically pluck the one word that's been lost among the chaos taking over my thoughts. I can feel the shock spread through every vein in my body like a strong shot of vodka, radiating a strange heat in my stomach before it takes a hold of my heart and squeezes, causing me to panic.  I know what I heard.  Every. Damn. Word. Even my heart and mind, which are usually at odds with each other when it comes to Brad, stopped dead in their tracks, and even they didn't know what to do.  They seemed to look up to the stars for guidance before turning back to me, throwing their hands up. Heaven and hell, good and bad, light and dark have always been at odds with each other, wanting opposite things, having an opposite purpose.  But this...this shit that Brad just conjured? It feels as if the ground just sunk and swallowed me alive.

"I said marry me." He whispers with impossibly pale, solemn blue eyes. Just like the late afternoon skies, they seem to fade into the background with the promise of dusk, slowly hypnotizing me into the dark corners of my own desires. "Be my wife."

"Brad...this is crazy." I have dreamed of this for so long, especially coming from him, and now he seems to be handing it to me on a silver platter. As if my very happiness can simply exist in that one platter---my hopes and dreams of having a family since I was a little girl---dreaming of my prince charming. My heart is leaping in joy, practically screaming 'yes!', but my head is staring at the silver platter suspiciously, yelling, 'stay back, don't trust him!' With a sigh, I add, "This is all moving too fast for me."

"I know, but you said you love me." With eyes as gentle as his voice, he pulls me even closer to him, letting me know he's serious. There's a restlessness, a sort of impatience leaking from his face that not even his smile can hide. Flashbacks of William proposing to Emma invade my mind, temporarily bringing back nostalgia of a love...and a time that I desperately want to capture again. "Doesn't that mean something to you?"



"It does, but...I don't know..." My eyes clamp shut as I bury my face on Brad's chest, hoping for reason---and common sense---to bring any type of clarity to this situation.  The remnants of shock are still tingling away at my skin like a neon sign flashing "yes" or "no", refusing to be ignored. If I marry Brad, what happens to Luke? Luke...my Luke. I keep telling Brad that he's just a friend, that there's nothing going on. Or is that...what I tell myself? Sure, we've gotten close lately and we flirt on the phone sometimes, which led to some sexually charged conversations---but he never made plans to see me again---or for me to see him. It seems his interest in me has simmered down to a more protective nature, especially since that day he left my house. Brad, on the other had, seems ready to give me what I want. And he seems contrite of his actions. Lost in his scent, I murmur, "I can't think."

"Just say yes. Make me the happiest man alive, " He suggests, almost demands, as his hands roam up and down my back.

In an attempt to pull away from the spell of his cologne---and the excruciating warmth of his body, I peel my face away from Brad's chest.  When my eyes slowly open, waking me up to the reality of the warm afternoon sun, I see a figure standing a few feet away, and he seems to be watching us. In the blurry interpretation of my semi-conscious state---still drugged from my conflicting emotions---shivers rush up my spine as this person starts walking in our direction. With each step my breath shortens.  My eyes narrow in on blue jeans, a tan colored shirt clinging to a muscular upper body, a dark beard and...pale...green...eyes. The moment our eyes lock, I feel a surge of electricity splash on me like ice water, drenching me from head to toe, waking up every neuron in my body. Holy shit, it's Luke!

 I can feel the daggers hurling at his heart, the moment he saw me in Brad's arms. His eyes...they burn through me, as if asking 'how could you?'. Now that he's here, I'm flooded by memories of our connection and all I can do is watch my feelings break free from their chain of fear and run to him---the only person I completely trust in this world. 



Without thought, my arms break away from Brad's shoulders as Luke's gaze seem to penetrate through this cloud of enchantment swirling around us--- forcefully breaking it away---opening our eyes to the present. It feels as if he just caught us together, that something is unusually wrong, and I can't shake away this pang of guilt that's growing by the second. Gone are the colorful sea of flowers, cool autumn breeze, rustling of trees or the soothing hoo-hoo-hoo cries of mourning doves. Everything within my sight melts into oblivion, as I stand here suspended in time, frozen by the presence of the two men who have complicated my once simple life. I watch helplessly as Luke walks over to Brad, devouring him with seething contempt like a ram brandishing its horns. 

My heart throbs in desperation, sending distress signals to my stomach at what is about to happen. I cry out to Luke to get his attention, but only a weak croak comes out from my drying throat.

"You are a serious piece of work." Luke mutters to Brad in a deep rumble when they are only a foot away from each other.  I can see the fire in his eyes slowly escape his nose like puffs of smoke.  I have never seen him like this. I can see the rise and fall of his chest as he says, one deliberate word at a time, "I really didn't think you'd stoop any lower."  

"What are you talking about?" Brad responds in a haughty voice, standing his ground, despite Luke's intimidating presence. 



"Showing up here and asking her to marry you?" Luke's eyes narrow in disgust, shaking his head. "Are you fucking serious!"

Shit. He heard. Up until that point, Brad's proposal seemed romantic. Crazy and shocking, but romantic. I even pondered the idea as visions of us relaxing at home, playing with the kids---being happy---crossed my mind. I want that so badly...to be happy. But now, the way Luke says it, as if it's some accusation, makes it seem...like a foolish idea. 

"So what? I love her. She still loves me." Brad responds calmly, not moving one inch. Then he briefly looks in my direction, as if summoning my support, when he adds, "And if she didn't want me here, we wouldn't have spent the night together."

"Brad! That's not necess---" I snap at him, wondering why he felt the need to disclose that type of information. Even though he's probably trying to rub it in Luke's face, I feel even angrier for feeling guilty...and a bit embarrassed. After everything I've said about Brad to Luke, and after my repeated declarations that I'm done with him---here I am--- a victim to my own weakness. And looking like a complete hypocrite. 

"Is this true, Lyn?" Luke interrupts as he searches my eyes. It's all too much for me to handle, so I look away in silence. I never considered how it would affect Luke if I slept with Brad. I didn't think it would matter since we're not together. But I simply can't ignore how this all must be affecting him, having to catch us together. Nor can I ignore the cries of my own heart at this delicious fireman's presence, and wanting desperately to disappear with him somewhere and explain everything. I didn't realize how much I actually miss him until now. Now that he's here. Shit!

Silence.

"So it's true." Luke stares off in the faded distance. The disappointment in his voice is so obvious, I just want to grab him and make it go away. "You slept with him."

"Who's gonna
 Tell you when
 It's too late?
Who's gonna 
tell you things
Aren't so great?"



"Luke---" I try to appease him, but I can't seem to find the right words, especially when he clearly has more to say.

"I can't say I'm surprised. You're vulnerable, he knew this." Luke blankly looks at me before staring off into the distance again. Eventually he shifts his gaze to Brad, as if caught in some epiphany that's causing him to speak out again. "But that's the difference between me and you. I could have taken advantage of her, but I didn't. I was being a---"

No, no. Stop talking. Stop talking!

"Liar. She said you slept together!" Brad cuts in, looking pretty pleased with himself for calling Luke out---or at least thinking it. I can hear bricks falling from the sky now, making me wince before they crash on the ground with a loud thud. Just when I thought this afternoon couldn't get any worse, it actually did. Not so much for me, but for Luke. In a short amount of time, he saw me with Brad, found out I slept with him, and now...catches me lying.

"What?? Why would you say that, Lyn?" Luke quickly turns to me, completely stunned. 
"Nothing happened between us, you know that!"

 "I don't know...I'm sorry..." 

"Wait, you didn't sleep together?" Brad asks, picking up on the stories that don't match.

"No....he was a...perfect gentleman." I admit, looking down at the ground.  I can't even look at either of them right now.  I'd rather look at the tiny clusters of dandelions huddled between my feet like little bursts of sunshine, so peaceful in their delicate form. I wish I could trade places with them right now, when all I have to do is sit upright and wait for rain. That's it. Nothing else. No explanations, no hopes, no dreams, no conflict whatsoever. The two things that gave me a sense of vindication---Luke's belief that I was strong and Brad's belief that I slept with Luke---just slipped my grasp. Now I have absolutely nothing, not even a false sense of control over my own damn life. "Are you happy now, Luke?"

"Wait, are you upset at me?" Luke gives me an accusatory look, as if I just insulted him."He's the one that slept with your sister! Or did you forget that??"

Silence.



"So let me get this straight." Luke pauses to search my eyes, then shifts his gaze to Brad. A faint scowl crosses his face as they give a hint of the thoughts running through his mind, before he adds, "You're pissed at me when this asshole fucks your sister, causes you to have a miscarriage and make you almost---"

"Luke, stop!" I scream at him as I frantically try to piece back whatever morsel of peace I had before he showed up. The more he talks, the more helpless I feel, as I spiral down into a very dark place again, the very same place I've desperately tried to crawl out of. These negative memories break free from their cage of denial, running rampant throughout my whole being, slowly bullying me again. Just as I attempt to run off, Luke catches my arm with such conviction that I freeze instantly, despite the tears threatening, making me look away.

"No, I won't stop! What, you don't like hearing the truth?" Luke turns me around and forces me to look at him, his hands now gripping my shoulders. "Maybe it's time I remind you why we're all here."

"Luke, she said stop!" Brad makes an attempt to wrestle me away from Luke's hands, but backs off when he's met with such a rabid gaze.

"Shut the hell up! You've done your share of dirt on me, so don't tell me what to fucking do." Luke releases his hold on me, but keeps his eyes on Brad, pointing, making sure he doesn't move another inch. "YOU fucked her sister. YOU caused her to have a miscarriage. YOU hurt this woman so bad, she left everything behind and almost killed herself. YOU!"

Razors. Daggers. Butcher knives. They all aim at my unsuspecting heart without warning, as if they were summoned by Luke's blunt words. I've managed to dilute my version of the story and Brad owned up to his actions in his own way. I thought we confronted this last night. But this...this cruelly raw version from Luke's mouth, dealing with Brad directly---I was not prepared for. I can feel these sharp instruments slicing away at my heart again, bringing back the throbbing pain without mercy, and there is nowhere to run---or hide---as the tears escape my eyes. 

"Who's gonna 
Hold you down
When you shake?
Who's gonna 
Come around
When you break?"



"You didn't appreciate her when she was with you, you took her for granted, then acted all territorial when she came to me for support." Luke continues with his arsenal of cold, stainless steel truth, even more amplified by Brad's silence and my muffled sobs. "And you assumed we were fucking! You saw that as a chance to cheat on her. And to really fuck her up, her sister! You don't think I know about her sister? The princess---"

"Stop, just stop! No more, please." I scream again, especially when he said "princess". The pain becomes even worse, a different kind. A pain from a long time ago. "I've already put it behind me!" 

"You put it behind you because what? You avoided everyone? Did you forget how you screamed in anger when I was here? Did you forget the mess he left behind? Did you forget how much pain you were in? How much you cried?" 

Silence.

"He chose your sister because he knew. He knew damn well it would just shatter your self-esteem. He knew it would fuck you up royally." He softens his voice---and tone---when he sees the crumbling state I'm in. "Now tell me, how can he claim he loves you when he intentionally hurts you like this? What kind of man does that?"

"I made a mistake, okay?" Brad finally breaks his silence. "Lyn is the only woman I've ever loved. I know I hurt her, but she forgave me."

Silence.

"Lyn, you can't marry him!"Luke cries out in some sort of desperation, frantically grabbing my hands. "He doesn't deserve you!" 

"She can do whatever she wants! Stay out of it!"

"Like hell I will!"

"Fuck you!"

"Both of you, please stop!" I yell out with all of my might, trying to get both of their attention, but white streaks of light suck out whatever is left of my energy. My heart hammers wildly as sweat breaks through my face, causing a nauseating feeling to the pit of my stomach. It feels as if I'm being spun around in a thousand directions and I am losing my sanity---as well as my sense of balance. 
"I can't...take...any more..."

"You can't go on
Thinkin' 
Nothin's wrong
Who's gonna 
Drive you home
Tonight?"

*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*
----------------------------

"Drive" by The Cars
Video by: ScoobyIsAwsome