Ch. 48 (Hurt)
-Instead of driving back to Appaloosa, I decided to stop by
my parents' house.
-My dad answered the door and I ended up crying in his arms
when he told me how much he missed me.
-He asked for my forgiveness, for not protecting me more
and being more involved.
-I admitted that I never felt like I was good enough, that
my parents loved Naveah more.
-My dad reassured me that he has always loved me but
he just didn't know how to show it.
-When I found out that my parents kicked my sister
out after Brad told them what happened, my mom got
upset and blame me for everything.
-I got fed up and finally gave her a piece of my mind.
-I told my mom that if I ever became a mother, I
hope I never become like her.
-When I went back to work, I had a parent-teacher
conference with Calla and her mom.
-It turned out that Rosie is also the same woman
that abandoned Brad.
Location: Appaloosa Plains Public School
Date: Friday, 11/11/2011
Time: 4:07 p.m.
Mom. The moment that word leaves Brad’s mouth, my heart stops, and I can feel my blood cells freeze, along with time. The woman that raised Calla is the very same woman that abandoned Brad when he was a child. I quietly retreat back to my desk and brace myself on the smooth polished wooden surface, just to maintain my sense of balance. A part of me is unsure if I should even be here to witness such a private, yet profound moment. Rosie’s once calm and composed demeanor has become stricken with dread and guilt, challenged by Brad’s unrelenting gaze.
“What are
you---” he studies her face just to make sure he’s not mistaken, that he’s not
seeing things, but he’s unable to vocalize his thoughts completely. In his
eyes---I see an emptiness that comes from deep inside---still yearning for a
mother’s love and acceptance. It’s the very same thing I see in myself. “How
did you---”
“Mom,
what’s going on?” Calla’s voice reminds me that she's also witnessing all of
this and she’s probably wondering why her mother looks like a deer caught in
the headlights. She takes a few steps towards Brad, giving him an appraising
look and asks, “Who is this?”
“Mom?” his eyes widen, alternating his
gaze between the middle-aged redhead and the rebellious 16 year old in front of
him. “You have a daughter?”
“I’m
sorry…” Rosie fumbles with her purse as she looks down at the floor, unable to
withstand the questions and scrutiny of her own children---who apparently have
never met. “I can explain everything.”
“Oh, you
better. You have 17 years that you need to explain!” Brad shakes his head and
folds his arms. I can hear him breathing through his nostrils.
“Calla,
this is Bradley…your brother.”
Silence.
The truth finally emerged in its rawest, purest form---leaving no room for any
other interpretation or possible denial. I saw it leave Rosie’s lips, harpoon
through Brad’s heart and land on Calla’s throat. “I don’t…understand,” she
mutters warily, “I thought I was your only child.”
“Honey...the
truth is...I left your father and two older brothers 17 years ago.” Rosie
sighs, reluctantly revealing the missing pieces of her past. A painful past
that she ran away from, just like I did, when I moved to this town. “I was 11
weeks pregnant with you.”
“What??
My dad is alive? And I have two brothers?”
“Yes,
baby. You see, your dad was very…abusive.” There’s an undeniable strain in
Rosie’s voice at the mention of the man who is the father of her children. Her
eyes suddenly become clouded with sorrow---as if the vile memories are flashing
in her head---opening up old wounds. “He hurt me and your brothers. I just…I
wasn’t strong enough…to deal with it all.”
“And we
had to deal with that alcoholic monster.” Brad breaks his own silence. There’s
a coldness in his voice, the kind that is almost necessary to contain the dam of
anger itching to break free. With a look of disgust, he points at Rosie while
his eyes search Calla’s face. “See this woman right here? She left. She didn’t
even try to come back for us. Why do you
get to be so lucky?”
“Lucky??
I just found out my whole life’s a lie!”
“I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my
sinsAnd let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through the pain”
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through the pain”
I become
increasingly uncomfortable. Like a fly on the wall, only everyone can see me
and they know I’m here. Having just dealt with Luke---and my own parents---I’m
still emotionally drained. Now this. Having to watch this drama unfold in front
of my very eyes, and not knowing how it’s going to end. This is something Brad
needs to deal with on his own. I walk up to him and whisper, “Brad, I’m gonna
go.”
“No, don’t
leave.”
“You need
to talk to your family in private.”
“Can I---” he hesitates for a moment, looking down at the floor, before returning my gaze.
I know that look. The need for refuge after the storm, when all you
have left is bits of your sanity---and fragments of yourself that you managed
to salvage. The overwhelming need to share the aftermath with someone---because
if you don’t, it’s easy to get lost in the debris---and you may never find your
way out. “Can I see you afterwards?”
“I’ll be
at home,” I lean in to give him a soft kiss on the forehead, letting him know
that he’s not alone. “Talk to them, Brad. They’re hurting just as much as you
are.”
He nods
morosely. “I’ll…try.”
I flash
Rosie an empathetic smile to let her know that I understand---that they need
their privacy. She gives me an appreciative nod. I turn to Brad’s sister and say,
“See you Monday, Calla.”
“Bye, Ms.
Santori.”
Location: 1012 Pomona Promenade
Time: 6:05 p.m.
By the time Brad stops by, it’s already past six and I’m actually glad to see him. In the hour and a half that I’ve been home, I couldn’t take a nap. I couldn’t concentrate on whatever I was watching on t.v. I could barely even eat anything, despite my stomach’s complaint that I only had a flimsy salad for lunch. In the silence of my own home and the fading sunlight, Luke’s presence still lingers. Memories of him, of us, of the incessant reminder of what could have been---wondering if he’s thinking of me too.
As Brad
takes the spot next to me on the couch, I force myself to stay in the present
as I push Luke out of my mind. “How did it go?”
“It was
brutal,” he takes a deep breath, somewhat lost in his own thoughts as he
blankly stares at the fireplace. It’s almost hard to believe that we made love
next to it not too long ago. Now it feels like a distant memory, as if I’m
merely recalling from a hazy past. “I blamed my mom for everything. I yelled. I
screamed. I cried. She cried and apologized. My sister cried too. It was a
mess.”
“You guys
finally confronted everything.” I smile as I briefly search his face, reassured
that I did the right thing by leaving. Despite the puffiness around his
eyes---there’s an unmistakeable serenity that I haven’t seen in a long
time---usually reserved during our passionate, intimate moments. “That’s good.”
“Don’t
get me wrong, I’m still angry. But I remembered what you said and it helped me
stay calm enough to hear my mom out.”
“I
understand what you’re going through, trust me. I just confronted my own
parents. All my life I thought my dad loved my sister more and I just found out
it’s not true.”
“Did
you---” he pauses, especially after the mention of Naveah, as if he’s unsure if
he should tread that topic, “see her?”
“No. My
parents kicked her out.” Strangely, the mere mention of her doesn’t feel like a
punch in the gut---the way it used to. Before, I couldn’t even think about her
without being consumed by blind rage---and my heart being shanked. Now she’s more like a sore, tender, swollen scab. Almost closed up,
still healing, but not as painful. “And my dad told me what you did.”
“There’s
not a day that I wish I can change that. I’m not proud of it.”
“Well,
I’m proud of you for telling the truth.”
“Thank
you. That means a lot to me.”
There’s a
moment of silence where neither of us know what to say. I’ve made my peace with
my parents, I no longer allowed my anger towards my sister to control me and
now---there’s only one other person I need to make my peace with---which is
Brad. As I quietly study him sitting next to me, his familiar scent waking up
old memories, I become bombarded by a wave of sadness. I put so much of my
hopes and dreams in him, believing that he was my soulmate, “the one”. In
reality, I was trying to make him into something he’s not.
All of
the qualities I searched for---passion, kindness, profound connection and
courage---were qualities I found in Jesse. I projected all these things on
Brad, not knowing he is just as emotionally damaged as I am. It’s not a wonder
he cheated on me, it’s not a wonder he failed to hold up his end of the
relationship and it’s not a wonder that he didn’t appreciate me until I was
gone. How could I expect him to love and cherish someone when he doesn’t even
know what love is? When it’s something that I had to prove to him?
“How did
it go with Luke?” He breaks the silence by clearing his throat and looking in
my direction. “J.C. told me they had the funeral today.”
“That’s
what I wanted to talk to you about,” I reply softly, getting up from the couch
and trying to find a way to tell him the truth. In another time, I would have
welcomed the idea of us starting over and trying to make things work, a sort of
clean slate. But now---knowing Jesse has come back, knowing Luke
and I just made love, knowing he’s my other half---I’d just be lying to myself.
How can any other man live up to him?
“Oh. What happened?”
“Brad---”
I turn around to find him standing in front of me, his eyes emanating a mixure
of concern and apprehension. “I’m…I’m in love with him.”
“I see,”
he whispers calmly, but even his eyes can’t hide the sharp blow from my
revelation, both a harsh and sobering truth. “So why did you come back early?
Shouldn’t you be together?”
“We haven’t
spoken since I left. He asked why we’re not together and I told him I didn’t
know. I just needed time. He got upset and told me to leave.”
“It's amazing
With the blink of an eye
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It's amazing
When the moment arrives
It's amazing
When the moment arrives
That you know you'll
Be alright”
“I’m not
gonna lie. I still want to be with you.” There’s a tenderness and honesty in
his voice that just tugs at my heartstrings, bringing back that old, familiar
pull. His pale blue eyes---which I used to get lost in---silently plead in
their last attempts to hang on to me, to what we had. “But…if Luke is
the one you love…then…there’s nothing I can do.”
Silence.
“I think
you should spend the rest of your time with your mom and sister here,” I make
an attempt to appease his disappointment. One of us has to be strong and firm.
Otherwise, we will fall back into our own pattern of blindly believing that any
“love” is better than nothing. Two people who are afraid to be alone---and left
with the daunting task of facing their own selves. “They need you. Especially
Calla. She really needs a male figure in her life. And who knows? Maybe your whole
family can finally reunite someday.” I reach out to cup his handsome face---a
face I know very well---and search his eyes. “You had a tough life Brad, but
you didn’t let it break your spirit. You actually became a doctor.”
“That’s
because you believed in me,” he whispers, the finality in his voice evident by
a different kind of strain, causing his eyes to well up. Even though neither of
us put it into words, we feel it deep in our hearts. We both know that the time has come to let each other go. “What am I gonna do without you?”
“You’ll…b-be…okay,”
I break down, no longer able to fight the impending tears. It hurts---really
hurts to have to do this. Brad has been such a significant part of my life, of
my identity, that it’s almost like…saying goodbye to a part of myself. Like an
alcoholic throwing away the last bottle of liquor, a food addict throwing away
the last slice of cake, a smoker throwing away the last pack of cigarettes and a
junkie throwing away the last syringe. They know it’s destructive and
unhealthy, but it’s a kind of comfort they learned to depend on. “You’re a
survivor.”
“I’m
gonna miss you,” he leans in to give me a soft, lingering kiss---his tepid tears
mixing with mine.
“I’m
gonna miss you too,” I pull him close and cling to him for what seems like an eternity; savoring his scent, his voice, his presence and the warmth of his
body for the last time.
“Bye, baby.”
He searches my eyes as his hand finds my face, gently caressing it. “Be happy.”
I nod
quietly. Just as he pulls away, I find myself calling out his name.
“Brad?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you
do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Can you
give Luke a call? He really needs a friend right now.”
“Yeah.”
“Promise
me.”
“I
promise.”
Location: Hangman's Tree National Landmark
Date: Tuesday, 1/10/2012
Time: 4:47 p.m.
Winter came, bringing Thanksgiving, Christmas and New
Year’s with it. The first few weeks without Luke was hard, but I managed to
survive by keeping myself busy at work. Everytime I found myself thinking about
him or longing for him, I’d just push him out of my mind. And if I couldn’t, I’d
wait until I was in the privacy of my home to cry. It helped that I could
always call my dad and Adam if I ever got lonely. They would cheer me up and
remind me they miss me. For Christmas, they came over. I cooked dinner, I
showed them around town the next day and we had a picnic at the lake before
they drove back to Bridgeport.
I haven’t spoken to Brad since that day we said our
goodbyes. He hasn’t called or tried to stop by the house. I knew that going in, but
still---I didn’t expect to be hit with such loneliness now that he’s out of my
life. I’ve had to learn to just take it one day at a time. This is how it should be. This is what I need. That’s what I tell
myself anyway.
Instead of going straight home from work today, I
decide to stop by Hangman’s Tree. The weather hasn’t changed since I was last
here. It’s just as crisp and sunny as fall---with a light, cool breeze. As I stand on
the spot where everything started---and ended, I’m filled with overwhelming sorrow as the sweet essence of azaleas, roses and camellias fill the air.
This is
the spot where Jesse died in my arms. This is the very same spot where we
made a promise to each other 100 years ago. What happened to that promise? How is it that I’m
alone again, just like Emma, and left to carry a torch for the rest of my life?
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I drop to my knees and bury my face in my hands, lost in
my own sobs. “I’m so sorry, Emma. I’m sorry you had to leave your children
behind. I’m sorry you couldn’t be with the man you loved. I’m so sorry, William.
I’m sorry I loved another man. I’m sorry you had to catch us together.
“Jesse…oh Jesse. I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you when you left for war. I’m sorry I kept
your daughter from you. I’m sorry that I waited too long to leave my husband. I’m
so sorry that things had to end so tragically.
“And Luke…my
Luke. You came back for me and what did I do? I wasted my time with Brad. I was
too blind to appreciate you and I pushed you away. I’m so sorry about your dad. I’m
so sorry for screwing things up.
“I need
to let you go. I’m sorry it didn’t work out in this life. I should have told
you I love you. I should have told you how I felt. And now...you’re gone.
“Goodbye my
love,” I wipe my eyes as I take one last look at the barren oak tree---and the bittersweet
memories permanently etched on it. “Be happy.”
“That one last shot's
Permanent vacation
And how high can you fly
And how high can you fly
With broken wings?
Life's a journey
Not a destination”Life's a journey
*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*
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"Amazing" by Aerosmith
Video by: AerosmithSongz
