Chapter Forty-Two (The Promise)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 41 (Drive)
-Before I had the chance to respond to Brad's proposal,
Luke showed up.
-Luke looked really hurt when he saw us together.
-He called Brad a "piece of work", having witnessed everything.
-Brad retaliated by telling Luke that I let him spend the night.
-Luke was disappointed, but prided himself in not taking
advantage of my vulnerability.
-Brad called him a liar, in his belief that Luke and I slept together.
-Luke caught me red-handed, which forced me to tell the truth.
-I became upset at Luke for stirring up the past again,
especially when he bluntly reminded me of what Brad did.
-Luke claimed that Brad purposely chose my sister to
shatter my self-esteem, knowing my history with her.
-Brad reiterated that he made a mistake and that I forgave him.
-Luke told me I can't marry Brad, that he doesn't deserve me.
-Their bickering became too much for me, and I lost consciousness.

*Strong sexual content, strong language, violence*



Location: Hangman's Tree National Landmark
Date: Saturday, 11/11/1911
Time: 11:11 p.m.

When I open my eyes, I find myself under the barren oak tree again, immersed in the liquid brown eyes of a man who's been haunting my dreams. Under the watchful eye of the stars in the night sky, sparkling like smooth facets of a diamond, I feel an uncanny stillness at the realization that I am completely nude---and so is he. My eyes travel from the thick raven locks of hair resting on his shoulders, to the way his dark beard outlines his strong jaws, the fullness of his lips, to his muscular chest and down to his semi-erect state. I know this man. I know every line on his handsome face, every scar on his body and every hard callous on his large hands. My Jesse. My love. 

My heart swells with longing as I tangle my hand with his, our bodies swaying gently side to side, as I listen to his breathing. I can feel the night slip away with each rustle of a branch, every chirp of a cricket and every brush of air on my skin. I rest my face on his bare chest and mutter, "Don't let go. Dance with me forever."

His warm breath drizzles on my scalp as he kisses the top of my head. "Not even God or Satan can keep me away from you." 

I wish he hadn't said that. Then I wouldn't be reminded that we're not together. I was doing well until that point, accepting my life with my family and trying to make the most of what I already have. I finally convinced myself that things were for the best, that I made the right decision by ending things with Jesse---until I ran into him at the lake---with the woman carrying his child. Since that day, a sort of madness grew in me as I desperately tried to banish him from my memory. But to no avail. Within a month, we found ourselves back in this spot again, a slave to our hearts' desires.  As I trace the firm ridge on his shoulder with my index finger, I ask, "Do you love her?"

"Emma..."

"I need to know. Do you love her?"

"She's a good woman and I do love her. She's my wife." 

"I see." My heart constricts, forcing my lungs to expel an extra burst of oxygen, just to ease the stabbing pains away. For as long as I can remember, I've been the only woman in his life. I'm the only one he has ever loved, and now...not only does he belong to someone else, but he is someone else's husband. 

"That's an unfair question."

"How so?"



"You know damn well I'm still in love with you." He cups my chin and forces me to look at him, holding me prisoner to his burning gaze. There's an anguish that seems to span an eternity, bubbling behind a sea of dark honey with its own gravitational pull, rendering me helpless. Like the moon's inability to escape Earth's mass, forever bound to its presence, Jesse's eyes reduce me to a mere speck of dust that desperately clings to a bead of sweat on his body. "You are in my home, my heart, my thoughts. You are everywhere and you simply won't go away."

"Neither will you, Jesse." I frantically pull him closer to me until the warmth of his skin drowns out everything else around me, even the sharp buzzing of cicadas.  My fingers tangle in his raven hair as it glistens in the silver moonlight, carving out shadows that soften his ruggedly handsome face---making him more like an enigma, and not a physical being. Inhaling his woodsy scent, I repeat, "Neither will you."

"Hear my soul speak." He says with eyes closed, as these words flow out of his mouth like a melody. Slow and deliberate, like an avalanche of thick chocolate sauce oozing down a hill of vanilla ice cream, one millimeter at a time, as if there's no hurry in the world. "Of the very instant that I saw you---"

"---did my heart fly at your service." The rest of the words leave my lips effortlessly, as if I dug them out from his memory, and not mine. "My most beloved line from the Tempest. How do you know this?"

"It's not what I know, my love, it's what I feel for you. Shakespeare is the only man who could articulate what's in my heart. " His mouth widens in a smile as his eyes open, returning him from whatever dream or magical place he temporarily slipped into. Cupping my face gently, he searches my eyes as he continues, "O heaven! O earth! Bear witness to this sound. I, beyond all limit of the world, do love...prize...honor you."

"At mine unworthiness, that dare not offer what I desire to give." Imagining Miranda's ache for Ferdinand, I can feel my own heart throb and pulsate like a balloon as it outgrows the confines of my breast plate, yearning to be free with Jesse. "And much less take what I shall die to want..."

"More. I want to hear more. Shower me with them."

"I am...your w-wife... if you will marry me..." The words become shards of broken glass, especially the word "wife", and they scrape through my throat without mercy. The fact that I will never be Jesse's wife just shatters my insides. A heaviness weighs my heart down as I look away, trying to hold back the tears. "Jesse, I can't...it hurts me so."

"Say the words, Emma. I need them to burn in my memory until my last breath."

"To be...your bedfellow...you may deny me." Just like the single russet-colored leaf released by its branch, a warm tear rolls down my cheek. "But...I'll be your servant."  

"As I am yours," he whispers as his mouth crashes into mine.

"If you wait for me 
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place
For you in my heart"

 "There is something I need to know." Jesse pulls his lips away for a moment as his caramel brown eyes penetrate mine again. "And you need to be truthful." 

"What is it?" I ask breathlessly, looking up at him, while trying to keep my knees steady.

"Is Abigail mine?"

"Jesse..."

"Is she my daughter, Emma? Answer me."

"Before you left, I suspected that I was pregnant. By the time I met William, I knew."

"You knew of this and you never told me? How could you!"

"Because you left! Because I was afraid! Because I never thought I would see your face again!"

"Darling...forgive me. I can see now why you married William...but you don't love him."

"I do, it's just..."

"No. You don't love him. You love me. Abigail is mine and I need to be her father. You need to be my wife. Emma, enough with these games. Why are we doing this to ourselves?"

"What about William and my son? Your wife? The child she's carrying? How can we just destroy their lives like this?"

"So you would rather carry on with this affair? Doesn't that hurt them the same?"

Silence.

"The time has come, Emma. The time has come for us to be happy. Otherwise, I shall have to move far away from you. We can never, ever see each other again."

"No! You cannot do that to me! I will just die!"

"I've longed for you 
And I have desired
To see your face
Your smile
To be with you 
Wherever you are"



"I will speak to my wife tomorrow and request a divorce." His eyes travel to my lips as his hand swoops over my neck, slowly caressing it. My mind races at the idea of Jesse leaving his wife for me, completely enthralled by the absence of doubt in his decision. My eyelids involuntarily close at the shivers tip-toeing along my spine, the kind of shiver that even the coldest winter gust would be envious of. It pales in comparison to Jesse's touch as his fingers move up my mouth, circling the outer edges of my parted lips. "Will you do the same with your husband?"

"Jesse, you must know that I'm...I'm very afraid." A subtle panic takes over me as I watch my present and future converge. The life that I know with William and my two children---a comfortable and picturesque life that any woman would dream of---subtly fading away as the dream of my new life with Jesse comes into view. To be able to wake up to his face everyday, cook his most beloved dishes, spend quiet nights by the fire, make love to our heart's content and the joy of being in his arms as we sleep. Am I truly one heart-to-heart talk away from this kind of happiness?

"It's alright. I am too. But we cannot go on like this."

"And I cannot lose you again." I take a deep breath as I turn his palm over and kiss it softly. "Yes...yes, I will speak to William tomorrow."

"Oh, Emma! My beautiful Emma!" Not even the glow of the silver moonlight can compete with the sparkle in his eyes as he pulls me close to him, nearly hampering my ability to breath. He keeps me suspended in his arms for what seems like an eternity, drowning my skin in his warmth, as we cling to each other like two sticks of butter trying to survive a hot summer afternoon. He loosens his hold on my back as he looks down at me, devouring me with his eyes. He plants a delicate kiss on my right cheek---tickling me with his beard---then the left...the tip of my nose...the curve of my upper lip...closing my left eyelid shut...then the right...moving down my left jaw...and the center of my chin.  With ardent lips lingering on my right jaw, he says, "I love you. God, I love you."

My body trembles as his mouth moves down my neck, radiating waves of heat from his breath as his tongue glides over my skin, making me nearly collapse from weakness. My futile attempts at words come out in soft whimpers as I mumble, "I...love you too...Jesse Owens. I always...have." 

"You are mine and mine alone, understand?" His voice deepens into a fierce grumble as he pushes me against the barren oak tree. Without effort, he lifts me up until my legs instinctively wrap around his---igniting a warm trickle of moisture deep inside. 

With my arms circling around his neck, I can feel his hard length prod around my opening, which is now swollen in desperation, begging for him to find his way home. Amidst our endless panting and sultry breaths, we shift our bodies until he finally enters me---both a relief and an urgency. "Yes! I am yours, all yours." 

"Nobody will ever love you," He whispers as he buries himself inside me with a demanding thrust--- my back repeatedly scraping the smooth trunk of the barren oak tree. "Kiss you," he plunges deep. "Touch you," he pounds deeper. "Taste you," he withdraws slightly before thrusting with more force, his pelvis grinding against mine until he can't go any deeper, pausing to savor the warm, moist walls gripping him tight. "Like I do."

"No," I moan in hunger as my legs lock around his hips possessively, drunk in the tingles, the sweat, the electricity and the delicious, hot, wet friction of consuming need. "No one could come close. Take me, Jesse! Yes, take me! Oh, God!"

"Nobody will ever make love to you like I do."  

"Not like you, Jesse, not like---William!---"



"No, it's Jesse." He corrects me gruffly, pulling my legs up even higher as he moves his hips in savage impatience. My thighs begin to quiver at the waves of heat and pulsating tingles building up deep inside, crying out for Jesse's thrusts, generating an unpalpable momentum that I can't control---not even in front of my own husband. If heaven and hell ever collapsed into each other, this is it. I am in the very middle of that storm between fire and ice, butterflies and nausea, pain and pleasure, a dream and a nightmare, indulgence and guilt, as my eyes continue to watch William's horrified face. 

Faster, faster. Heavier moans, deeper thrusts, rising to an inevitable peak. Streaks of electricity spread out to my extremities as I contract and explode around Jesse's throbbing length, squeezing and pulling him to oblivion. Lost in the shudders of my helpless body, I cry out, "J-Jessssse!!" 

As my voice---and orgasm---fades into the darkness, William pulls a gun out and points it in our direction, forcing me to detach myself from Jesse's body. His sudden surprise comes to a halt the moment he turns around, his eyes widening at the sight of my husband---and a gun cocked in his direction. William's reddened eyes flash at mine before he turns to Jesse, his mouth trembling as he screams, "You son of a bitch! You've been---" 

"Please put the gun down." Jesse says as he frantically searches for his pants. "We didn't mean for you to---"

"William, I am so sorry." I mutter in shame, slipping my corset and knickers on faster than I can think. "Please put the---"

"Silence! So it's true. The rumors are true." William cuts me off, pulling back the hammer of the revolver with a 'click'. "How could you do this to me, Emma?!"

My heart leaps in my throat as I continue to hold my hands up in an attempt to appease him. The fact that the gun is loaded and cocked in Jesse's direction---makes the gravity of our betrayal even worse. I have never seen William in this state, nor did I ever imagine that he'd be capable of pointing a gun at anyone. His usual gentle and calm nature never revealed that possibility. As I count the tears rolling down his face, my heart breaks, watching him hold the gun with a slightly shaky hand. "William, just put the gun down and we'll resolve this."

"Resolve this? After watching another man fuck my wife? After the things you said to him? What is there to resolve?!" 



"Darling, please listen to me. This is not you. This is not the kind of man you are. Put the gun down, I am begging you!" I plead, feeling the depth of his anger grow by the minute and becoming even more unsure if I'll be able to calm him down.

"Don't you dare call me darling! I have loved you all these years, devoted my life to you, only to be repaid with...with this??"

"William, I do love you. I just---" 

"You just used me for my money! This brute of a man leaves you pregnant so you marry me and pawn off this illegitimate child as my daughter!"

"Don't you say another word about my daughter!" Jesse rebuffs him in contempt, unable to keep his emotions under control. "Look, I am deeply sorry that you had to find out this way but Emma loves me. She wants a divorce."

"Never! Emma is mine and Abigail is mine. I have raised her since she was born and she will not know it any other way! You will not break up my family!"

"Both of you, please calm down." I protest, knowing that William is still pointing a loaded gun at Jesse, and one careless comment can make him snap. If something happens to Jesse, I will never be able to forgive myself.

"You son of a bitch." Jesse takes a step towards William, his face seething with rage.

"Jesse, stop!" I make an attempt to keep him quiet, but the words already flew out of his mouth before I could even blink.

"She doesn't love you, and she never did." 

"Go to hell." 

"William, no!"

CRACK.



"No. No no no no!" I frantically gather Jesse's limp body in my arms and turn him over, only to be stricken in horror at the massive amount of blood smeared on his face and upper body. The wild drumming of my own pulse makes it impossible to find his, and in a submerged moment of panic, I slap his face, nearly beating the life back into him as I scream, "Jesse, noooo! Say something, damn you! Say something!" 

"Emma...." A faint croak escapes his trembling mouth as he struggles to breathe. His eyes meet mine in such a brief flash that I wonder if he's even coherent, or if he knows what just happened.

"Stay with me, my love!" I pull him even closer as I kiss his crimson stained cheek, the smell and taste of copper lingering on my lips.

"Promise me....in the next life..." 

"Yes, my darling, anything!" 

"Wait for me...and..." The words become even more of a struggle as he coughs---his eyes starting to glaze over. "I'll...I'll find you."

"I promise," I whisper as my tears continue to mix with his blood, knowing I'm losing him, cursing time for being so cruel. Snippets of our past flash in his eyes; when we first met at the lake 10 years ago, our first kiss, when he first said 'I love you' and the first time we made love, all witnessed by this barren oak tree. The disapproving look of my parents when I first introduced him, his unease around my circle of friends and the distance that continued to grow between us soon after that. Finally, the last night we spent together before he left for war, the argument that escalated, my unsuccessful pleads for him to stay---and how I cried that night---the searing emptiness he left behind. "Don't leave me, please!"

"I...love you...Emma." And just like swiftness of the cool autumn gust, the last words flee his mouth.

"Nooooooo! No no no no! Oh, God! Bring him back, bring him back!" I rock back and forth in disbelief as I continue to cradle Jesse's motionless body in my arms, kissing his bloody face. An overwhelming hollowness continues to dig away at my insides, moving its way to my defeated heart. Jesse is gone. And a part of me died with him. Promise me...in the next life, his voice echoes in my mind over and over again. I look at William and numbly whisper, "Shoot me then. I can't go on without him."

"You can't go on for me? For Abby and John?"

"You took Jesse away from me. He's gone."

"You selfish little whore! May you both rot in hell!" 

CRACK.

"Forgive me. Please forgive me."

CRACK.



"If you can make 
A promise 
If it's one that 
You can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me"

*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*
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The Tempest, Act 3, Scene 1 by William Shakespeare

"The Promise" by Tracy Chapman
Video by: papadoc73