Ch. 39 (Sparks)
-I held Lyn all night as she cried in my arms.
-I felt like the most awful human being on the planet
for causing her so much pain.
-Seeing her like that, so vulnerable, made me feel
unworthy but at the same time, very protective.
-In the morning, she made waffles and it brought
back so many memories of the life we used to share.
-I said, "How could I throw it all away?"
-She reminded me that it's all in the past and to put it behind us.
-I brought her to my meeting with Dr. Benson and Dr. Chan.
-Now she knows about my research on alcoholism and substance abuse.
-For a long time, I have kept that part of my life hidden,
but I suppose the time has come for her to know who I truly am.
-After the meeting, I asked if we could spend some time.
-To my surprise, she said yes.
-I decided to take her to one of my favorite places in Appaloosa.
Location: Hangman's Tree National Historic Landmark
Date: Saturday, 11/05/2011
Time: 2:30 p.m.
If this is a dream, I don't ever want to wake up. I really thought all hope was lost. I thought I lost her for good. But something amazing happened last night---something that even my own subconscious couldn't have imagined. She let me in. She actually let me in. Not just in her home, but her heart...her body...even small glimpses of her fractured soul. There was such a raw and desperate need in her liquid brown eyes, in her voice---something fragile and lost---as if she didn't want to be alone in her own agony. And to be able to feel her soft body again, to savor her sweet scent, to kiss her moist lips and taste her sweat---while holding her in my arms for what seemed like eternity, as she sobbed---simply cannot be measured by words alone. She needed me. She needed me to make things right, to take a good hard look at the damage I've done and to help her pick up whatever pieces were left.
As we reach the top of the look-out point, I briefly close my eyes and take in the fresh, clean air. The sight of the russet colored mountains, ever-flowing lake and scattered rooftops nestled between clumps of color-changing trees warms my heart. There is no other place like this, especially not in Bridgeport, and what makes this place even more majestic is the giant barren oak tree. There is something about that tree and the patch of flowers surrounding it. Every time I come here alone, I'm filled with joy and sadness at the same time. I can't explain it.
When I turn to Lyn, she seems just as awestruck with the view. With my hand gently resting on her lower back, I whisper, "This is it."
A soft smile---mixed with surprise---forms on her face as she searches my eyes, but she doesn't say a word. She seems lost in her own thoughts. Her hands reach for the wooden banister as she looks down, asking, "You've been here before?"
"Yeah. I'd come here every time I come to Appaloosa. Why, have you?"
"Yes. As a matter of fact, Luke took me here when he came down."
"Oh." The sound of Luke's name cuts through my heart like a butter knife, temporarily sending shooting pains at the edge of my lungs as I try to maintain my composure. I had forgotten about Luke...and the fact that they slept together. I had forgotten how Lyn tried to get back at me by rubbing it in my face. And even though I haven't heard his name since last night, it doesn't hurt any less. Nor does it change the fact that I want to claw his eyeballs out for touching her and...God knows what else he did. I can start to feel my blood boil from the tips of my fingers to the nape of my neck. But I also know that if I ever want any chance of getting Lyn back, I can never lose control over Luke. Counting to three, I take a deep breath and ask, "How did he know about this place?"
"He just did for some reason. Which is weird, because he's never been here."
"When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it"
Something about the mention of Luke's name...and Lyn's presence is unnerving. There is a restlessness that's building from my insides, and I can't shake it off. I feel as if I'm being gutted, one intestine at a time---along with a sense of helplessness---like I'm going to lose her. The very thought of Luke brings that very same feeling, and it seems as if he's in the way---or he's gotten in the way before---somehow. More and more the giant barren oak tree calls to me, but by another name. William...William. Without even thinking, I take Lyn's hand and tell her to meet me by the wooden bench. As soon we are within a few feet of the barren oak tree, a heaviness takes over my body, as if the earth's own gravity has decided to take a break and sit on me. In confused silence, our eyes dart towards the tree, then towards each other, before seeking refuge on the bench.
"Can we just..." Her voice trails off as she scoots next to me until our thighs touch. A tinge of need lacing her words.
"Yes," I murmur, knowing exactly what she wants even before she can finish it. I felt the same need in her voice, this need to hold her close, to feel the warmth of her body once again. It's almost like a quiet panic to be in this place again, but this time with the woman I love. This used to be my sanctuary. I'd come here to just get away from all the stress, to be alone in my thoughts. But to be here with Lyn---there's something sacred about it---but at the same time, there's an unexplained urgency, like something bad is going to happen and I need to hold on to her for dear life. "Come here," I say as I lay back on the bench, pulling her up until she's perfectly nestled between my legs, until her face rests on my chest. At that moment, a sudden gust of wind causes a rustle among the bushes, making me wrap my arms around her even tighter.
"I feel so tired all of a sudden." She says as the weight of her body presses against mine.
"Shhh...it's okay." I lean down to smell her hair, getting lost in the fruity scent---with a hint of nostalgia---while her pulse continues to alternate with mine. "I can hold you all day."
We lay in silence for a while, not saying a word, until all I can hear is her soft breathing. She's falling asleep. Hypnotized by the stillness of the afternoon sun and the alluring scent of camellias and roses wafting in the gentle fall breeze, ruffling a few tendrils of Lyn's long brown hair, I start nodding off.
"And my momma swore
That she would never
Let herself forget
And that was the day
That I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist"
I find myself in the presence of that woman I had a dream of a few days ago. The same golden hair, the same golden dress, the same pale green eyes. Only this time, we're surrounded by a familiar sea of flowers and the watchful eye of the same barren oak tree. This woman---she means the world to me. Even more than I can explain. My heart can barely contain all of the emotions she triggers. Right now, at this very moment, I must be with her. Even though we've only known each other for a month, I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else. Right here, by this barren oak tree, must be the chosen moment.
"Darling, I love you so." I take her hand in mine as I look into her eyes. My heart feels as if it's frantically trying to escape the confines of my sternum. "I cannot wait any longer."
"What is it, William?"
"My sweet Emma, you make me very happy." Moisture dissipates from my throat. My hands feel clammy as I continue to squeeze hers. A part of me wishes I can just dig a hole in the ground and hide, for fear of what she'll say, but it's too late now. I can almost feel the words forming at the back of my throat, so I untangle my fingers from hers to reach inside my pocket---to pull out a velvet jewelry box. This is it. Ask her. Taking a deep breath, I get down on one knee as I open up the velvet jewelry box in front of her, revealing a 3.17 carat Old European Cut, flawless light-yellow diamond set in platinum. Just like her eyes, they glitter in the sunlight, with facets throwing off bold flashes of fire. "Will you marry me?"
"Oh, William!" She gasps, peeking between the ring and me, her face glowing in excitement. I just want to capture that moment forever. "Yes. Yes!"
"Oh, I am the happiest man alive!" In my excitement, I fumble for the ring, nearly dropping it on the ground. She actually said yes! Smiling, I look up at her as I hold the ring up, asking, "May I?"
Impatiently, she holds her hand out, wiggling her fingers. "Yes! Please!"
"If this ring could only be half as lovely as you. This is but a small token of my love." I gently slip the ring on her finger, loving the way it sparkles on her hand, as if it belongs there. It complements her so well, especially the way it flashes soft yellow colors in the sunlight, just like the golden locks of her hair.
"Oh, William, it's beautiful. It is absolutely divine!" She tilts her hand from side to side, her eyes mesmerized by the glorious rock.
Despite the diamond's impressive size on her dainty hands, a part of me is still unsure if she really loves the ring. I want her to wear something that she'll be proud of, that will make her the envy among our friends. She deserves the best. "Is it to your liking? I can get you something larger."
She searches my eyes and lifts my chin up, saying, "No. It's perfect, my love."
"I'm glad. It truly suits you."
I take her in my arms and squeeze her tight. This woman is going to be my wife. It seems like yesterday when we met, when her father made our acquaintance possible at the benefit ball. I just returned from my trip to France, having finalized my business contacts all over Europe. I met many women who would have suited my requirements for a wife, but none struck my fancy the way Emma did, the moment our eyes met. There was an emptiness in her eyes that she tried to conceal, but at the same time I knew a fire was brewing within. I was even more determined to be the man that would fill that void in her heart. As I kiss her lips softly, I whisper, "You are going to be Mrs. William Stafford. This excites me so."
"Yes...I like the sound of that." Her fingers trace the outline of my beard as she smiles at me, before gently cupping my face. She seems to be searching for something in my eyes. A brief but subtle wave of painful uncertainty passes through the soft contours of her features before her smile returns, erasing whatever trace of doubt she had. Whatever that was---another man, a broken dream---it's now a fleeting thought when she says, "We must wed as soon as possible."
"Whatever's in your heart's desire, my dear. It is yours." I reassure her, watching the light return to her face as I try to focus on our future. "We will have the grandest wedding this town has ever seen. It will be quite a celebration. It will be talked about for many years to come."
She exclaims, "Oh, William, I can hardly wait!"
"Where would you like to honeymoon, my love?" I ask, my heart brimming in anticipation of being the first man to make love to such a pure and elegant woman as my Emma. I can already imagine her as the mother of my children, perhaps a son to take over my business when I grow old.
"France! I have dreamed of France since I was a young girl. The culture, the fashion, the food! Can we go to France, William?"
"Done. In fact, let's make it even more romantic. Let's visit Egypt and China as well. We can make it a six month adventure."
"My head is spinning! Six whole months around the world! I can shout!"
"I am going to spend the rest of my life making you happy, Emma. I would give you the moon and stars if I could. Only if you give me your love."
"My love is yours, William."
My love is yours, William. This woman's voice echo in my mind when my eyes startle open. For a moment, I'm in that strange state of displacement, when I can't tell what's real---the vivid dream state or the reality of consciousness. My heart races as I scan my surroundings: the wooden bench I'm perched on, the sea of flowers, the barren oak tree behind us and...Lyn next to me...or Emma. The distinct cry of mourning doves---hoo, hoo, hoo---mixed with soft chirps of chickadees, causes me to briefly glance at what I'm wearing. No green ruffled shirt beneath a black suede suit or a fedora hat on my head, just a light blue cotton shirt and tan slacks. The woman next to me is not wearing a gold chiffon dress, nor does she have blonde hair. Instead, she's wearing a silk blouse and a gray skirt, with dark hair and liquid brown eyes---just like Lyn. My pulse and breath returns to its normal state as I recover completely, realizing that we must have dozed off. It's almost five.
She seems just as alarmed as I am. I want to ask her if she had the same dream, but something is making me refrain. Instead, another pressing question takes over my thoughts, making it necessary to find the answers now. "Lyn...I need to know something."
"What is it?" She asks in a somewhat groggy voice as she sits up straight.
"You told me last night that you and Luke..." The mere sensation of his name passing through my lips brings the butter knife back, pressing into my heart as I continue, "That...that he comforted you."
"Yeah...what about it?"
I can feel a sickness to my stomach at what I'm about to ask, because I've asked this question before. It's like dejavu all over again. That night when Lyn came home and she told me that Luke kept her company at the park. This time, we're not together and Luke is still in the picture. And now that they slept together, my worst fear my have come true. "Is there something going on between you two?"
"Maybe I know
Somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to
Find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face"
"No...we've gotten really close lately. But we're just friends," she assures.
"Oh." A gust of oxygen escapes my lungs. But I'm not really sure if I believe what I'm hearing. Despite how much it pains me to ask about Luke, I know that the only way to get to the truth is the direct route. "I thought by now he'd try to pursue you."
"Well, he felt that it would be best if he gave me some time to figure things out. He didn't want to complicate things even more for me."
"I see." Shit. Now I feel like a completely selfish asshole. What the hell am I even doing here? There's no doubt in my mind now that Luke has feelings for Lyn. Knowing him, he would never choose such a selfless act unless he really cares about someone. For him to stay away just to let her heal, that means he cares more about her happiness than his own. Shit, shit. Now I'm even more plagued with guilt over what I did with Natalie, and the fact that he still forgave me after that. How can I ever compete with a guy like Luke? I've tried---most of my life---but it seems he always came out on top. Better looking, better family, better childhood, heroic, selfless, caring. Like he's Superman or something. Who can compete with Superman? Finally surrendering to the truth, I say, "Luke is a good man."
"Yes he is. I can see why he's your best friend. He really helped me get through these last few weeks. We practically talk on the phone everyday."
"I'm glad he was there for you." I twirl a lock of her hair around my index finger as I look into her brown eyes, which are glistening like amber under the the late afternoon sunlight. Luke is in her life, there's no doubt about that. He's been there for me as well, many times, and maybe one day, when we have this mess worked out, we can be friends again. Right now, they're not together. I still have a chance. Just to confirm it one more time, I ask, "So...you're just friends?"
"Yup." She smiles. Although there's something hiding behind her smile that I can't quite figure out. Did she want something more with Luke? Was she disappointed that he made a decision to stay away, especially when she needed him most? Whatever it was, it probably wasn't important enough to speak up about. If they wanted to be together, they'd be together by now. Adding to the finality of her answer, she says, "Good friends."
"Brad..." She looks away, as if I just asked her something that she's been avoiding for a while.
"Be honest, please...do you still love me?" I take her chin and force her to return my gaze. "If you don't, I can respect that and leave you alone."
Her eyes finally confront mine, emanating a mixture of apprehension and a need to be freed by the truth. The silence drowns out everything around us for what seems like eternity, as my heart continues to hammer, waiting for her answer. At an excruciatingly slow blink of her eyes, she murmurs, "Yes...I still love you."
"And I've always
Lived like this
Keeping a comfortable
Distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that
I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it
Was ever worth the risk"
All of the blood cells pumping through every artery in my heart slam on the brakes and look in my direction, as if they've forgotten their destination. My love is yours, William. I hear this voice again. So clear, so soft, and filled with such longing for an emptiness to be filled---like my own. My love is yours, William. This voice cuts through me again, plowing through every cell in my body, waking up memories of a time I want to capture again. A time when I had this woman's love, and when she made me very happy. I pull Lyn even closer to me, this nagging need to feel the warmth of her body against mine, as I demand, "I need to hear it."
Her arms instinctively wrap around my neck. I can feel her heart thumping against my chest, increasing with her breath, asking, "Hear what?"
I nudge her nose with the tip of mine. She still wants to hide, but I won't let her. I persist by saying, "That you love me."
"I love you," she whispers.
"Oh, baby..." I'm so overcome with joy, I can't even think straight. And she's not with Luke. After everything that's happened, here we are, lost in our own emotions, by the barren oak tree. Something tells me that if I don't do this now, I may never get the chance. I lost her once. I can't risk losing her again. "I should have done this a long time ago."
"Do what?"
"Marry me. Be my wife."
"But darlin'
You are
The only exception
You are
The only exception"
*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*
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"The Only Exception" by Paramore
Video by: Fueled By Ramen
