Chapter Nine (Broken)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 8 (Out Of Reach)
-I met Skye, David's beautiful horse.
-Mr. Nunu liked David immediately after being on lead for 10 minutes.
-I became very aware of his warm hands on my waist as he helped me mount Mr. Nunu.
-He was very gentle and patient as he watched us do the low jumps.
-I found out that he's well-off but he's studying to be a teacher.
-He asked me why I left Bridgeport, but his question hit a nerve.
-I ended the lesson immediately and went home with Mr. Nunu.





Location: 1012 Pomona Promenade
Date: Tuesday, 10/25/11
Time: 7:20 a.m.

As the sunlight wakes me from my slumber, I lie in bed thinking about what just happened last night.  How could I be such a bitch to David?  He was so nice and patient with me and Mr. Nunu.  There was something gentle in his voice, his energy...he made everything sound so doable, even the low jumps.  And the way that he praised us when we were doing well, it made me feel even more confident in my abilities as Mr. Nunu's handler.  And his eyes.  Oh God, those eyes.  Everytime they look into mine, I feel like I'm slowly meting into the ground, like chocolate under the hot sun.  I haven't felt that way since...well, since the last time I looked into his eyes.  Moments before I ran out of our condo in Bridgeport.  Moments before I saw him with her.  Moments before I hopped into a cab, asking the driver to take me to the bridge.  Moments before I peered down into the water, wondering what would happen if I jumped.

Everything that has happened led me to here, in this town, inside this home, inside my bedroom, on my bed...wondering why I snapped at David.  Especially when we were just geting to know each other.  It felt nice to talk to someone.  Especially a person that seems to have the desire to help others despite being born into a well-to-do family.  And it didn't help that he's good-looking as well.  That's my weakness: good-looking men.  I seem to fall for them easily, especially when I feel some type of chemistry with them.  That's the last thing I need right now, to get involved with another guy.  So I can get hurt again?  So he can be another disappointment?  I'm barely over the man I just left...how can I think about the possibility of liking someone new?  My mind tries to reason with me, but my heart persists.  You're afraid to like David.  Even though you do.  That's why you snapped at him.  So you can push him away and go back into your safe little world where nobody can hurt you.

What?? What are you talking about? I don't like him!!  I argue with my own heart.  I think I'm officially going crazy.

"The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out."



Tired of wrestling with my thoughts, I decide to go for a morning jog to ease my mind a little.  In Bridgeport, I normally go to the gym.  It's not safe to go jogging in the city especially when you're a woman, and especially when you're by yourself.  It's not uncommon for people to get attacked or mugged, and I didn't want to take any chances.  Here, on the other hand, it's so peaceful and quiet.  With the clean air and breathtaking landscape near the water, my body is just itching to explore the rest of my backyard.



This is nothing like being on a treadmill.  I pride myself in being able to run for 45 minutes straight, but being outside is a different experience altogether.  I can feel my shoes pushing on the hard pavement.  I can feel the warmth of the sun and the caress of the cool morning breeze.  I can smell the damp air that's accumulating on the grass as morning dew.  I can see my neighborhood.  I can hear the rustling on the trees as I pass by them. 



This is the first time I've been out in this neighhborhood.  It's nice to see the blue house right across me with the picket fence.  I wonder who lives there?  I always see the arrow sign from my bedroom window when I admire the view, but I've never seen it in person.  I'm finally able to see where this road will take me!

My body starts to feel warm as I breathe deeper.  I can feel my heart beat a bit faster with each push on the road.  This feels really good!  I am pleasantly surprised at how nice if feels to jog outdoors.  It doesn't even feel like I'm exercising, more like an exploration.  There's still so much to see, I become even more excited at what I will find next.

Up ahead, I see a dock.  My heart swells in utter joy at the thought of walking on the dock to look at the whole lake.  Will there be boats passing by? Will someone be fishing?  Bridgeport has some nice bays, but they are usually crowded.  And some areas can be littered with thrash.  I can't wait to see what the dock looks like!



I can hear the wood creak lightly as I impatiently walk on the deck, which turns out to be a boardwalk. I'm practically running.  It looks like it's been around for a while, as the wood has faded into a grayish color. 



Like a sweet release, my eyes finally feast on the water in front of me.  Crystal clear, with a hint of aqua.  I can sometimes see the pebbles underneath the small waves being blown by the breeze.  I take a deep breath, feeling my body relax along with my pulse.  I close my eyes and just savor the beauty in front of me, wondering how lucky I became at being only a quick jog away from this.  I've always dreamed of living near the water, especially the ocean.  But with a big city like Bridgeport, I'd have to be a millionaire to live near the lake or the beach.  Yet here I am, standing on this boardwalk, overlooking the water, and my house is right around the corner. 

And to think, I could have been dead less than a week ago.  I felt so hopeless that I was going to give up on my own life.  And I would have missed out on all this.  Hot tears run down my cheeks as I think about the girl that got on that cab.  She seemed so lost...so afraid...and so alone.  She had her family, her friends and a man that she was crazy about, yet...she didn't feel like she mattered.  It all seemed like an illusion.  There were people that claimed they loved her, cared about her...yet how could they have the heart to do what they did?  Even my own mind isn't ready to go to that place, when everything went wrong.  If I do, I'll just ruin the moment.  Wiping my tears, I scan the water again, trying to get back the magic  that I felt a few minutes ago.



The water looks so clear, clean and inviting.  I just want to kick off my shoes and run into it.  I want to feel sand underneath my feet again.  As I tug on my shoes, I see something running towards the water out of the corner of my eye.  What in the world??

What could it be?  I can't make out if it's a small dog, cat or a really large rodent.



It sees me, and it runs in my direction.  It's a dog!!

"Awww, hey there!" I stand still, trying not to scare it away.

Based on the color, the pink collar, size and long ears, I'm guessing she's a beagle.  

"You are just adorable!! What's your name?"


She stares up at me, tail wagging happily.  I cannot resist.  I try to pet her.  She backs away, giving me a cautious look.

"You don't want me to pet you?  Aww, sorry sweetie."

Instead of walking away, she still looks up at me, tail wagging.  What does she want?  She doesn't like to be touched, but she's still here.  Those brown eyes.  Who do they remind me of?  


"You want it? Do ya? Huh, girl?" I pulll out a squeaky toy, waving it around.  Her face lights up, tongue and tail wagging.

"Whatcha gonna do for it?  Whatcha gonna do for it?" I tease her, eyes following the toy the whole time.



As she jumps for the toy, I raise it so she can't grab it. 

"Come on, pretty girl! Can you catch it? Can you?"

I feel bad for teasing her, but she looks so cute trying to jump!

Seriously, who does she remind me of??



At that moment, as she jumps to the side, with her ears flopping around, it comes back to me.  Nikki.  My precious Nikki. The two year old Dalmatian that I raised with him in Bridgeport since she was 8 weeks old.  He gave her to me as a birthday gift during the first year that we lived together.  I can still remember coming back from class (I was in med school at the time), and he greeted me at the door.  He would not let me come in unless my eyes were closed.  So I closed them.

"'I have a surprise for you.' He whispered as he took my hand, leading me to the living room. 

"Oh my God, what are you up to?" I was giddy in excitement.  He would pull stunts like this, when I least expected it.

"Sit down.  Keep your eyes closed."  I could hear a rustling sound as I sat down on the couch. 

'Okay, open them. Happy birthday, baby.'" He muttered as I felt something warm and soft on my lap."

When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the biggest brown eyes I've ever seen in my life.  Nestled on my lap, she looked up at me, smiling.  I fell in love immediately.  Since that day, we bonded and I made sure she grew up to be a well-mannered and happy dog.  She knew all of her commands.  She even knew the difference between "ball", "toy", "cookie", "food" and "bone".  She was so smart, it was like she was a person.  If I said, "Go get your toy", she would find it and bring it back to me.  I loved her like she was my own daughter.  There was not a night that she didn't sleep in our room on her own bed on the floor.  When  he had to work late shifts and I would be alone, I made sure she slept on the bed with me.

I miss her.  I wonder how she's doing?  I start to feel sad and guilty for leaving her.  I wish I had enough sanity left to take her with me.

"I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you"


This cutie-pie's playful bark brings me back to the present.  For a moment, I put Nikki out of my mind.

"You want it? You want it?" I finally let go of the toy, and she runs after it. 

"Jackie!!" I hear a woman's voice from a distance.



"So your name is Jackie?  That must be your mommy." I see a lady in a yellow shirt looking in our direction.

I put my hand close to her face, and she sniffs it.  It's better than nothing.



Just when I'm having fun with Jackie, her owner finds her.  I feel a slight pang of disappointment.  I wish I can take her home with me.  I had forgotten how nice it is to have a dog.

"Well, you should go.  I don't want your mom to worry." 

She looks at me, then back at her owner.  But she doesn't budge.

"Jackie?"

*Copyright 2011 Lyn C.S.*
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"Broken" by Lifehouse
Video by: LifehouseVEVO