Chapter Thirty-Six (Hello Like Before)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 35 (Be Here Now)
-I was petrified on my first day as a teacher.
-Most of the students were loud and obnoxious.
-When I was taking roll, Calla called me a "stupid bitch".
-Enraged, I went off on her and reminded her who was in charge.
-This seems to have sent a message to the whole class, and they finally took me seriously.
-Alexis thanked me for putting Calla in her place and urged me to stick around.
-Despite surviving my first day, I started having doubts about the teaching career,
with all of the stress involved.
-I got a call from Dr. Benson, who informed me about Brad's recommendation for residency.
-I was offered the position.



Location: 1012 Pomona Promenade
Date: Friday, 11/4/2011
Time: 6:07 p.m.

I nearly lost my balance at what I just heard.  All I could do was keep my focus on the geometric shapes in the painting in front of me, its lavender and purple shades drawing my eye in steadily.  But they all seem to converge into a blur as I keep hearing Dr. Benson's gentle voice in my head. He could not stop gushing about you...it would be our honor to have you on board.  That bastard did it.  Brad actually recommended me for residency.  He opened up doors for me again, and I don't even know what to think.  In fact, I've tried to teach myself not to feel...anything...when I hear his name, or when I see his unfairly pale blue eyes sneaking up on me from out of the corners of my mind.

A part of me wants to punch him for his nerve...the nerve that he thinks he can just do something good, like it's supposed to change everything that's happened.  Is he trying to earn brownie points? Then there's another part of me, this insanely idiotic side that's somewhat touched...that understands that he really didn't have to do any of this.  But he did.  He may have just single-handedly saved my future in medicine.

 "Oh wow...this is so unexpected.  I don't know what to say." I stammer, holding the phone firmly against my ear, as I watch my left hand shake.

"Would you like to think it over and get back to me with your decision?" Dr. Benson asks patiently.

"Yes, please, if you don't mind.  I just started working at Appaloosa Public School as a teacher, so I was not prepared for this."

"What subject do you teach, Dr. Santori?"

"Physical Science."

"Ahh, quite an honorable profession.  Would a week be enough time for you to decide?

"Yes, sir, more than enough. Thank you so much."

"It's my pleasure, Dr. Santori.  I look forward to your call."



After hanging up the phone, I jump around in joy, thinking it was all a dream.  Even Nikki wags her tail and follows me around the room.  First, with the crazy day at school, now Dr. Benson's phone call.  I have to share this with someone or I might explode into thousand pieces. The first person that comes to my mind is Luke, but he didn't answer his phone earlier.  He still hasn't called back either.  He usually does.  Maybe he's on duty right now, and he's away from his phone.  For a split second, I think about calling Brad...to thank him.  I stare at the buttons on the phone as I mentally remember his number, wondering if I should dare press anything.  But this sudden wave of fear takes over me at the thought of hearing his voice. My heart constricts, as well as my airways, and it becomes difficult to breathe.

Slowly, I place the phone on the bed as I climb on top of the covers.  I keep telling myself that I'm not ready, and I'd be making a huge mistake if I call him.  What is there to say?  What if this opens up a doorway to a place I don't want to go back to? Despite all this, I can see him in my head, peeking out from a memory, his voice faint, stirring up deep longings.

As my naive heart wrestles with my cautious head, I can feel Nikki's weight on the bed as she snuggles close to me.  She searches my face, concern growing in her big brown eyes, as she tries to understand my apprehension.  Slowly, she crawls towards me until her wet tongue touches my chin.  I smile appreciatively while I stroke her head, savoring the love emanating from her kisses.  I pull her closer to me as I lay on my side, my eyelids growing heavy with each breath, as well as my body.  The only thing I hear is Nikki snoring as my thoughts start to fade away.



Location: Adventure Landing
Date: Friday, 7/4/1911
Time: 1:26 p.m.

The gentle afternoon sun slowly traces my upper body as a cool breeze brush past my face.  As I inhale the fresh, damp air, I can feel someone's body behind me, holding me tight.  I close my eyes as I lean back, overcome with such an overwhelming sense of tranquility.  The rhythmic lapping of the gentle waves on shore  sounds very familiar, as if I've heard it before.  My ears pick up on the rustling of leaves from nearby trees.  Slowly, my nose picks up on a very familiar scent...a man's earthy cologne.  Before my brain can even try to identify the source of this comforting scent, my heart knows.  It is my husband.

"Are you happy, darling?" William whispers as his warm lips graze my neck.  I can feel his breath on my skin as well as the heat of his body behind me, and I can't help but shiver in surprise.

"Yes, of course, my love.  Why must you ask?" My eyes dart open as his question startles me from my own thoughts.

"Oh, not a worry.  It's just...you seemed a bit distant lately." He buries his face on the crook between my neck and shoulders, planting soft kisses with each word.

"Ah, but a wife's job is never done.  I'm sorry if I seemed that way."

"Forget I mentioned such a thing.  Know that you make me very happy, and it pains me if I cannot return it in kind."

"You do, William...you do."



"Faster, mother! Faster!" Abigail shrieks in delight each time she finds herself lifting off the ground, her silky, raven hair sweeping her curious eyes.

"Be careful, darling. I wouldn't want you to hurt your lovely face." My heart swells in boundless joy at the sight of my beautiful daughter's smile, the sparkle brimming in her big brown eyes.  Her eyes...which break my heart each time since they remind me so much...of Jesse's.  The same knowing twinkle every time they smile, as if they know me better than I know my own self.  How can I forget about Jesse when I see him in my own daughter's face, everyday? The same raven hair, the same cunning smile, the very same facial expression when things do not go in their favor.

"Oh but mother, what bundle of fun this is!" All of the care in the world has left Abigail's face, and all that is left is the innocence and wonder of a six year old child who has fallen hopelessly in love with a see-saw.

"Isn't it?" I quickly reply as I glance over at William, who is tossing John in the air, causing him to produce sounds mixed with giggles and absolute paranoia of falling.  He is such a wonderful man: a doting father, an attentive husband and a hardworking businessman.  His occupation may keep him away from home at times, but he certainly makes up for it when he's present. The way he reads Abigail a bedtime story, the way he cradles John in his arms until he falls asleep, the way he holds me at night to reassure me that he's there.  What more could a woman ask for?



"Care to go for a walk?" William asks after he tells Abigail to watch little Jon-Jon, giving specific instructions to never allow him to steer an inch away from the blanket.

"We musn't leave them like this, it's not safe. They should come with us." I hesitate as I look over at my daughter playing peek-a-boo with my fair-haired boy, who is in bouts of giggles.  What if he goes into the water? What if Abigail fails to watch him? What if some strange person comes hear them?

"Abigail has overseen John before, sweetheart. You need not worry, she is very responsible, even for a child of six years old.  "

"I suppose..."

"Besides, if there is a problem, Abby is but a yell away."

"As a mother, you know I worry so."

"I know you do, and you are a wonderful mother....but hear my words.  How often do we have opportunity to steal away? Let's seize it now."

"Oh William, it is rather romantic."

"Highly romantic.  Would you do me the honor of holding my hand, my dear?" He holds out his hand, with a smile taking over his handsome face.

"Of course, my love." My heart flutters as I take his hand, squeezing it tightly as I walk close to him, close enough for our sides to touch. Perhaps I've been mistaken.  Perhaps I was so consumed by Jesse that I never gave my own husband a chance.  Perhaps happiness is right in front of me, and I was too blind to truly see it.

From a distance away, I see another couple enjoying the sunny day, relaxing on a blanket.  But there is something about that man that makes me feel unease.  The clothes he's wearing, the way he's lying on the woman's lap, the way his dark hair seems to easily fall behind his shoulders.  My mind wonders...if it's...Jesse.  But the mere thought of running into him like this, with another woman, brings this wretched feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I disregard it as ludicrous.



When we are only a few feet away, I steal another glance at this dark-haired man.  The mutterings coming out of William's mouth become drowned by the face that I prayed I would never see again.  It has been nearly half a year since we were in each other's sight, under the barren oak tree at Hangman's Tree.  Jesse asked when I was leaving my husband, but I asked for more time.  He seemed more impatient, angry and unreasonable.  His jealousy troubled me, and he seemed on the brink of losing control.  At that point, I became fearful that he would find out who my husband is and divulge of our affair.  Or worse yet, threaten to break up my family.  Despite my irrational desire and love for him, I knew I had to end it.  I knew I had to make a choice while I still had the chance to.  The anguish in Jesse's eyes cut right through my very soul, and for a moment, I was tempted to risk everything, leave everything to be with this man.

I can still remember the last words he uttered to me that night, under the glow of the silver moonlight.  With tears flooding his brutally handsome face, lips trembling, he whispered, "Be happy, Emma.  I will always love you." Calmly, he put his clothes back on, and walked away, never to be seen again.

But now...the sight of him being caressed by another woman, painfully relaxed and happy, gnaws away at my insides.  How dare another woman touch him? How dare she kiss him? How dare she...make love to him and give him pleasure? He is mine and mine alone! I can feel blood rushing to my face before it slowly boils throughout my whole body.  Oh what I would do to be able to just peel that blonde woman away from him and beat her pretty face to a bloody pulp.  I wish I can take a heavy rock and bash her head in, but it is not an option.  My husband and children are here.



The moment our eyes meet, all concept of time and existence stops.  Everything becomes a blur: this lake, my husband, that woman.  The only thing that exists is the never-ending hold that his brown eyes seem to have on mine, a place between surprise, contempt and relief.  I stand there dumbfounded, unable to breathe or move as he walks in our direction, his presence becoming painfully strong.  There are a million thoughts running through my head, every one of them clashing into each other without direction, in a frenzy. But my mouth remains unmoving, unable to catch up.  I never meant for both worlds to collide, but here I am, stuck between a nightmare and a horrifying death.

"Mr. Stafford, it's a pleasure to see you, sir." Jesse addresses my husband with a cocky smile as he holds out his hand, secretly watching me.

"Mr. Owens, what a pleasant surprise! Have you settled in to your new house yet?" William asks as he shakes this raven-haired brute's hand.

"It is coming along, boxes still unopened.  But we are making it our home." Jesse takes the woman's hand and pulls her close until he drapes his arm around her shoulder.

"Forgive me, this is Emma Stafford, my wife.  I don't believe you two have met." My husband looks in my direction and smiles.

"No, I don't believe we have.  It's a pleasure, Mrs. Stafford." Squeezing this fair-haired woman's shoulders, he is very deliberate with his words, especially when he said "pleasure".  His eyes mock me, trying to squeeze out a drop of reaction from my face.  But I keep my composure together, despite every cell in my body screaming at the sight of him with someone else.

"Likewise, Mr. Owens. And who is this lovely lady?" I manage to form a half-hearted smile as I look in her direction.

"This is my wife, Victoria Owens.  She is newly expecting."



The sound of my little boy crying from a distance rescues me from another unbearable moment around Jesse and his "wife".  Not only is he married now, but she is carrying his child.  The child that was supposed to be mine.  I know it's terribly unreasonable of me to feel this way when I chose my husband, but my heart feels like it's being pulled in opposite directions, slowly being torn apart.  Of course I want Jesse to be happy...of course I want him to have what I couldn't give him.  But my terribly selfish nature, this side that loves him beyond life itself, also wishes for him to wait for me.  Patiently...alone.  

"This must be your son." A man's voice appears behind me as I pick up John in my arms.  He clings to me with his face wet, cheeks red and his sobs fading away.  

"Yes...his name is John." My face is merely a few inches away from Jesse's when I stand up, causing me to let out a soft gasp.  His liquid brown eyes are so piercing that it becomes necessary for me to look away, to block out the passionate memories that we once shared.

"Emma..." 

"Please don't.  Things are as they should be.  Be happy with your wife...I beg of you."

"He should be my son..." He looks at John's face in anguish, then at mine, before he walks away to catch up with the woman that bears his last name.

"Hello like before 
I'd never come here 
If I'd known
That you were here 
I must admit though 
That's it's nice
To see you, dear 
You look like
You've been doing well"



Location: 1012 Pomona Promenade
Time: 6:07 p.m.

"This smells wonderful, darling.  I'm famished." William compliments as he breaks apart the layers of noodles, meaty ragu sauce and ricotta cheese with his fork, causing steam to escape.  Earlier this week, he bought a new brick oven, so I decided to prepare lasagna when we returned from the lake.  Everything was so nice, being with my family, enjoying the picnic and water until I ran into Jesse and his new wife.  How long have they been married?  Did he do this to spite me or did he truly move on? At the same time, his eyes could not hide when he saw me, revealing the very same longings and secret desires I saw in my own self.  He should be my son.  I hear this over and over in my head, wishing for it to be nothing but lies.  Why, oh why, did he have to say such a thing? 

"Thank you.  We were certainly at the lake long.  The sun must have drained our energy." I mutter as I take another bite, not caring that the melted mozarella cheese is burning my tongue.

"I had the best time, mother! Can we go again soon?" My raven-haired daughter's face light up as she looks at me between bites. "Oh, Papa, it tastes even better than it smells."

"Let me ponder for a bit...you certainly did a commendable job with your baby brother today.  And you have been doing your homework and chores without being told this week." I carefully watch the anxious look on Abigail's face as she awaits my decision.  Then I turn to William, who has not said a word since he took his first bite. "Darling, what do you think?"

"She certainly has been responsible, haven't you, Abby?" William gently pats his daughter on the head, smiling.

"Yes, sir." She sits in her chair with her head high, as if she's attempting to grow a halo. 

"Tell you what, Abigail.  Why don't you wipe the table after dinner and we'll return to the lake next weekend?" I wink as I look into her brown eyes.

"Oh, mother, I love you! Thank you!" 



"So how are you acquainted with Mr. Owens?" Curiosity gets the best of me, and the words fly out of my mouth before I can even think.

"He applied for a home loan a few months ago, so I worked with him extensively until the closing." William explains as he wipes his mouth with fresh linen.

"Were they already married when he purchased the house?"

"I believe so."

"Are you aware of how long?"

"Oh, I don't know.  A month or so perhaps? Why do you ask, darling?"

"Oh, no reason in particular.  It would be strange if they weren't.  You know how people talk in this town. That's all."

"I understand.  Although, I found it peculiar that he asked about Abby's age."

"Oh? What did you say?"

"I told him six years, of course.  Well, six going on seven.  And the strangest thing...he mentioned that he went to war  six years ago."

"Ah, that is rather strange.  Would you like more lemonade, dear?"



After the kitchen has been cleaned and the leftovers set aside on the counter, I join my family in the living room.  Soon, it will be bedtime for Abby and John.  In the soft glow of the candles and quiet stillness of my own home...and heart, flashbacks of Jesse at the lake haunt me yet again.  How I wanted to leap into his arms and kiss him deeply.  How I wanted him to take me right then and there, had there not been other people around, the people in our lives we're obligated to.  How I missed him so...his touch, his lips, his voice, the safety of his arms.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him or wonder if he's okay, if he's happy.  And when I look into my daughter's eyes, I start to wonder more and more...if she belongs to Jesse.  

Nothing, not even the love of my own family can cure me from my longings.  I try to convince my heart that things are as they should be, that Jesse and I are simply not meant to be in this lifetime, but it won't listen.  The only thing that seems to quench my compulsive need to sneak off to Hangman's Tree is the melody that he played for me when he was here...when we made love on this very same piano.  By now, I know this song like I know my own hand, every key like a line on his face I know well, every note a place on my body that he has touched...and tasted.  Every night after dinner, I play "Somewhere In Time" while William watches as he holds John, with Abby next to him.  And each time, I get lost again, back to that sacred place at Hangman's Tree, alone with Jesse.

Thud. Thud. Thud.



I open my eyes, only to find myself on my bed with Nikki sleeping soundly.  For a moment, panic sets in as I try to figure out what's real: my contact with the piano or my contact with the bed.  I could have sworn, I was right here playing the piano in front of my husband and children.  Everything felt so real, so vivid, as if I was living it all.  Now a sense of sadness overcomes me, this realization that it wasn't real.  I hated waking up.  I wanted to stay in that place in time, wherever that was.  I felt a sense of contentment, a nostalgic remembrance of simple days gone by.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

There's that sound again.  What in the world?  

Thud. Thud. Thud.

It seems to be coming from downstairs.  Then it finally registers in my sleepy brain.  

Someone's at the door.  



"Hello like before 
I guess it's different 
'Cause we know 
Each other now 
I guess I've always known 
We'd meet again somehow 
So then it might 
As well be now"

*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*

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"Hello Like Before" by Bill Withers
Video by: Gerardo Calixto Aquino