Chapter Thirty-Five (Be Here Now)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 34 (Bring Me To Life)
-Brad's patient seduced him in his office, but he turned her down.
-He admitted that he's still not over Lyn.
-Dr. Benson from Appaloosa Hospital and Research Facility called about Lyn's application for residency.
-If Brad recommends her, she gets the position.
-He told Dr. Benson that he'll call him back.
-Brad had a dream of Emma at the lake in Appaloosa Plains.
-He felt an emotional connection to her, especially when she told him she loves him.
-He broke down, saying he's lost without her.
-He woke up motivated to find this mysterious woman, who reminded him of Lyn.
-He saw this as a sign to fight for her and drove to Appaloosa Plains.

*Strong language*


Location: Appaloosa Plains Public School
Date: Friday, 11/4/2011
Time: 9:01 a.m.

The sound of the bell travels throughout the building, causing doors to jerk open as footsteps scurry across the hall.  A humm of voices bounce between walls with a mixture of laughter, shrieks and muted conversations.  Shit. They're going to be here any second.  My heart feels like it's going to leap out of my chest, causing this incessant buzz radiating all over my body, intensifying as I stare at the door.  It happened.  I actually got the job.  Dr. Weston called yesterday to offer me the position, and that was the only day I had to prepare.  I was hoping to start on Monday so I can have the weekend to get the room ready and work on lesson plans, but she already notified the substitute teacher that I will be starting today.

For a moment I wish I can just freeze time, to stay in this state as I sit alone in my classroom. Wow, I actually have my own classroom.  It's so quiet, peaceful and I only have my own thoughts to deal with.  I thought my first day of residency at Bridgeport was scary, but this is something else.  At least I took classes, did internships and worked under a mentor.  Brad was actually one of them.  Brad...I haven't thought about him since Luke left.  The man that drove me to this town in the first place.  The man that helped me professionally, but screwed me over emotionally.

The man that I still love...fuck...what is wrong with me??


A quick glance at the class syllabus brings my attention back to the students that are about to enter my classroom.  I can't believe I'm going to be teaching.  I didn't even know I had it in me until I came to this town, and it forced me to look at other options besides working at a hospital.  But how am I going to deal with the kids?  How do I introduce myself? I was planning on just keeping the first day light and casual, maybe get to know the students a bit more.  But I remember Dr. Weston advising me to be clear about my rules and procedures, and to make sure they have something to do, even on the first day.  But how do I do that when I didn't even have anyone show me what to do?  It's as if they just threw me in here to fend for myself.  Is this what teachers really go through?

The voices and footsteps become more prominent, alerting me to their presence by the door.  Some of them are coming in.  I take a deep breath as I try to subdue the knots circling in my stomach.  I am so nervous, my hands are shaking.  My eyes focus on the twisting of the doorknob, giving way to bodies of fresh faces I have never seen in my life.  I give a silent prayer to the heavens before I peel my butt off the chair and reluctantly walk towards the front of the desk. Please let me make it through this alive. Pleaaase...

"Don't let your mind 
Get weary and confused

You will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart 
Get heavy, child

Inside you there's 
A strength that lies"

Time seems to be at a standstill as I scan the room full of high school students.  They briefly pause from their conversations as they scan me from head to toe.  Between backpacks being thrown on the floor, zippers opening and closing, books hitting the desk, sounds of paper being shuffled and a combination of whispers and laughter, I begin to feel completely helpless.  These kids are supposed to listen to me and do what I say? I'm supposed to teach them Physical Science?  I'm supposed to get their attention? For a full hour and do it four more times during the day? This massive fear sets in, and the only thing keeping me from walking out the door is another fear: my bills.  This may be the only decent job I can find in this town, and if I walk out now, I'll burn another bridge.

"Good morning.  I'm Ms. Santori, your new science teacher." Words finally escape my throat as I point to my name written on the board. "I'm going to take roll, so please say if you're here."


"Nick Messi."

"Here." The blonde-haired boy in a letterman jacket briefly nods in my direction before his attention shifts to his friends.  He looks like he plays football, maybe quite popular with the ladies.  The girl sitting next to him whispers in his ear, causing him to look at me and laugh.

"Cornell Riffin."

"Right here." The boy in braids shakes his head as he waves, pretending to act like he's not talking crap about me.  Hmm...he seems okay.  But there's something about that girl I don't like.  She reminds me of those snotty cheerleaders who always has to put someone down, like she's better than everybody.  I wouldn't be surprised if she's Nick's girlfriend.  Girls like her usually get the popular jocks in high school.

"Kaci Madera."

"Here." The girl next to Nick shoots me a glance.  Ahh...so her name is Kaci.

"Dude, I can't go to practice today.  My doctor's supposed to check on my knee." A look of concern takes over Cornell's face as he unzips his backpack, take his binder out and let it drop to the floor.

"Did you tell Coach Bennett? You know how he is about missing practice." Nick asks.

"Yeah, I did."

"So Nick, are you coming over afterwards?" Kaci taps Nick on the arm, shifting their focus back to her.

"I have to see."


"Calla Clemens."

"Here." The girl who looks like she tripped and fell head-first in red and green paint rolls her eyes as she raises her hand. "She's gonna leave like the last one."

Clemens? She has the same last name as Brad.

I can already smell her attitude from a mile away and she's not afraid to say what she thinks about me.  Yet...there's something about her that's screaming for attention...the snowcone-colored hair, the way she rolled her eyes when she first walked in and this internal angst that I can't put my finger on.  There's something about her, especially when our eyes met, and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of her pale blue eyes...which remind me so much of Brad's.  I know she's going to spell trouble, even more than the snotty cheerleader, but I find myself strangely drawn to her.

"Noelle Weston."

"Here." The dark-haired girl smiles briefly at me.  She pulls her knees closer to her body.  I don't even think they should be sitting like that, but at this point, I'm too afraid to say something.  What would I say? Excuse me, you need to sit up straight? "Well, if she's mean like the last one, I wouldn't mind."

Hmm...Weston.  Could she be related to the principal?


"Alexis Fremont."

"Here." The girl with glasses looks up when she hears her name.

This table, on the other hand, is completely different.  They are the only ones who seem to be remotely paying attention to what I'm saying as I explain the rules written on the board.  As the boy sits there nodding, letting me know that I have his undivided attention, Alexis would periodically write something down on her notebook.  Not only is she paying attention but she's actually taking notes. To everything that I'm saying. This catches me completely off-guard.  At the hospital, I'm usually the one taking notes and following every word of my mentors, learning from them, aiming to please them, but here I am...on the opposite side of the fence.  They are learning from me!  I have never felt such a sense of...influence...on anyone until now.

"Ethan Parrot."

"Here." The boy next to Alexis raises his hand. "I have a question."

"Yes?" I shift my gaze on him, eager to hear what he has to say.

"Do you want us to write this down?" He asks as he grabs a notebook from his backpack.

"Yes. You will be taking a lot of notes in this class." I could have told him it wasn't necessary, that the rules are in the syllabus, but I actually like the way I handled the first question.  I keep reminding myself to be firm, just as Dr. Weston adviced, and to not let them intimidate me.


"Hey guys, can you stop talking? I'm trying to go over the rules." I find myself irritated with the students in the back.  They are being loud, they're not even paying attention and they are making it hard for me to focus.

"Whatever." Calla turns to me as if I just interrupted her precious conversation with Noelle and rolls her eyes. "Stupid bitch."

Did she just call me a stupid bitch?? I know this watermelon-haired chick did not just call me a stupid bitch! There may be 25 of them and only one of me, and I'm technically outnumbered, but I just cannot stand here and let her call me a stupid bitch.  I don't care if I never taught a day in my life and I'm terrified of them right now. If I let that slide, they will know that they can disrespect me and get away with it.  Something about that girl rubs me the wrong way, and she just touched a very sensitive nerve.  Maybe it's because girls like her picked on me in high school.  Maybe it's because I was exactly like Alexis, the shy nerdy girl with glasses who felt invisible.  Maybe it's because most of my teachers never did anything about it or stuck up for me.

"Excuse me??" I can feel my heart racing as I walk over to her, using every self-control I have left not to cause a scene...or smack this girl upside her head.  The room becomes completely silent between gasps, everything feeling like it's in slow motion as I decide to confront this girl.  The way I did with Naveah.  I am not going to tolerate this type of shit from anyone, and I certainly am not going to let a student treat anyone else like this.

"I said stupid bitch!!" Calla gets up from her chair, her pale blue eyes challenging mine, letting me know she's not backing down from an adult.  Despite Noelle and Alexis' efforts to calm her down before she gets in trouble, she tells them to shut up.

"First of all, if you're going to call me a stupid bitch, you better have the balls to do it to my face instead of hiding behind your--"

"That's what I'm--"

"I'm not finished!! So you better sit your ass down and you listen good, little girl.  I'm an adult, you're a child.  You DO NOT speak to me that way.  I have not done anything to disrespect you, so you better watch it.  If you give me any more problems, you will walk out this classroom with a referral and a phone call to your parents. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??" My lips are trembling with every word as I try to keep my temper under control.

She sits there in shock, like everyone else, and is unable to move.  It feels like a bomb just exploded in the classroom, which is probably my decorum, and we are left watching the debris fall on the ground.  For a moment, she looks like she's about to say something back, but with all eyes on her and mine, she decides not to.

"Yes, maam." Calla mumbles quietly, looking down at the desk, her cheeks flushed from embarrassment.

"Now can we continue with the rules?" I ask as I desperately try to catch my breath...and my pulse.

"Yes, maam." Everyone replies in unison as they take their binders out.


"Ms. Santori, do you have a minute?" Alexis asks after the bell rings.  She waits until the room is empty before she approaches me.

"Sure, what can I do for you?" I smile at her, remembering how I used to look when I wore glasses at her age.

"Thank you for what you did.  I have never seen a teacher put Calla in her place like that."

"Oh, that.  It was nothing, really.  I just could not let her disrespect me like that."

"Everyone just kind of follows her.  She did the same thing with the other teachers.  She even made some of them cry and walk out."

"I don't blame them."

"I hope you stick around.  Maybe we can finally learn something in this class."

"I hope so too, sweetie.  You should go to glass, you don't want to be late."

"Okay, bye Ms. Santori.  See you Monday!"

"Bye, Alexis." I watch her sling her backback over her shoulder as she walks out the room.  They are so young, so impressionable, but at the same time in need of strong guidance.  I take a deep breath as I mentally prepare for my second period class, who should be walking in very soon.

One down, four more to go.  I wish it was lunch already.


Water droplets hit the windshield as I navigate through the wet streets, on the way home.  This is the first time it rained in Appaloosa since I moved here, and it's actually quite nice.  My eyes follow the rhythmic movement of the windshield wiper as I reflect on the craziness that happened today.  The dismissal bell finally rang during sixth period, and I was free.  After I went off on Calla, it became easier for me to enforce the classroom rules and procedures with each subsequent period.  I also felt more comfortable talking in front of the class.  I don't know if it was the adrenalin from using my authority or just learning to be more firm, but it felt good to lead those students.  It felt nice to be in charge.  We even got to talk about Physical Science and what will be covered in the semester.

Of course, I had a few more students challenge me (not the way Calla did) but I did the same thing with them.  I let them know I will not tolerate their behavior and there will be consequences.  I don't like confrontation, and I certainly am not used to it, but with these kids, I had no choice.  Yes, they pushed my buttons, but there was something good that came out of it as well.  I found this assertive side of me that I never knew existed.

"Don't let your soul

Get lonely child

It's only time

It will go by

Don't look for love

In faces, places

It's in you, that's where

You'll find kindness"

Location: 1012 Pomona Promenade
Time: 4:24 p.m.

"Hey, babygirl!" My eyes light up at the sight of my darling Nikki, who is already waiting for me at the door by the time I get home.  It feels so good to have her back again, I missed her so much.  Just to be able to hug her and kiss her brings such great comfort, knowing I am not completely alone in this house.  She's been with me since she was a puppy and she hardly ever left my sight, unless I had to go to work.  Whenever I have a stressful day, she sits and listens as I vent, until I feel better.  Sometimes all I have to do is hold her in bed, and I fall asleep.

She would not be here if it wasn't for Luke.  Luke...just the very sound of his very name makes me lose my breath, and for a moment, I wish he was still here.  He has done so much for me...he brought Nikki back, he was a shoulder to cry on when I was a complete mess about Brad, he calls to check up on me everyday and he is the only one that I feel I can really talk to.  Like...a best friend...someone that is there for me no matter what, who listens no matter what, and tries to do what's best for me.  Even if meant turning me down when I was ready to jump his bones when he was here.

The sound of the rain hitting the roof interrupts my thoughts as I look out the window.  It's really pouring now, and strong gusts of wind are coming in.

Oh, shit. Mr. Nunu! I need to put him in the stall!


"Hi baby, I'm so sorry I left you out here today.  Mommy had to go to work." I briefly caress his face as I put him on lead, feeling absolutely horrible that he's soaking wet.  How long has he been out here? Poor thing.  If I had known it was going to rain today, I would have left the stable open so he can at least find shelter.

"Let's go inside! Hurry, hurry!" I shriek as I scamper towards the barn with Mr. Nunu right behind me, feeling the cold rain soak through my blouse.


"There you go.  All nice and dry." My hands follow the curve of his face as I smile, knowing how much he loves being petted.  I can still remember the first day we moved to this house.  Even though I had nothing but my purse, I snatched up my beloved beast from the moment I saw him.  The first time I ever tried to pet him, he lunged at me from behind the door, which scared me shitless when I realized his massive size.  I developed a newfound respect for this animal.  From that day on, I learned to read his body language.  I even took riding lessons just to learn how to handle him.  That was when I met David. David... I wonder how he's doing?  I haven't been back for lessons since then.

"You have a bowl full of water and a fresh stack of hay. I'll come back later to check on you, okay, sweetheart?" I kiss his beautiful face.  He closes his eyes as he happily receives my affection.  Mr. Nunu was all I had when I first moved to this town.  He was all I had to talk to, all I had to hold.  But he gave me a reason to keep going, to move forward.  If it wasn't for him, I honestly don't know if I'd still be here. I will always be grateful to him for that. "I love you. See you soon."


The sound of the rain tapping on the window, however, soothes me, especially with Nikki by my side.  I'm just so glad to be home.  Now I can relax.  I love rainy days, but I love them even more after a long, hard day. I didn't realize how exhausted I was until I finally had the chance to lay down.  My body hurts, my head hurts and I feel as if I could just collapse. I am mentally drained.  Even though I survived my first day as a teacher, I'm not sure if I can handle the stress in the long run.  It's so much work, so much planning, and the students have to be constantly monitored or they won't stay on task.  At least at the hospital, I deal with one patient at a time, even if I have to go back and forth between ten of them. Yes, it gets tedious and the hours are long, but it's not as intense as being in a classroom with all those kids.

"...and can you believe that girl called me a stupid bitch, Nikki? I couldn't either! So you know I had to put her in her place.  Yes, I had to.  She wasn't going to disrespect Mommy like that and get away with it. That's right. Even you know better than to disrespect Mommy!" I gaze into her big, brown eyes as I gently cup her pretty face.  She scoots closer to me as she licks my hand, resting her head on my lap, letting me know she's all ears.

My thoughts return to Luke.  God, I wish he was here.  I miss him so much.  We can just lie in bed, hold each other as we talk...and listen to each other...and the rain.  Our last conversation was so nice, I didn't even want to get off the phone, knowing it was already past three a.m., and he had to get up early for work.  I felt bad, but the sound of his voice...his laugh...the way he listens so intently to whatever I'm rambling about...the way he starts asking about what I'm wearing, knowing we're supposed to be friends yet the conversation veers on the sexy side...the way he's just so caring.  I know he's like my best friend, but good Lord...I wish he would just mess up my diet and see what happens.

"Be here now
Here now
Be here now
Here now"


Just when I'm about to call Luke to tell him about my first day of work, my phone rings.

"Hi, can I speak to Dr. Santori please?"

"This is Lyn Santori." Dr. Santori? But I'm not even licensed yet!

" Ah yes, this is Dr. Benson from Wolfson's Hospital and Research Facility.  I'm calling about your application for residency and you listed Dr. Clemens as a reference."

Brad? Shit...

"Yes."

"He could not stop gushing about you.  In fact, he says you are one of the hardest working people he knows."

"Oh...thank you."

"So Dr. Santori..."

"Yes?"

"It would be our honor to have you on board."

*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*
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"Be Here Now" by Ray Lamontagne
Video by: nmcl92