Chapter Twenty-One (A House Is Not A Home)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 20 (Superman)
-I played handsies with little Brad in the hot tub and found Luke staring.
-He looked away, but it felt like he was devouring me with his eyes, which turned me on.
-Despite my mind's protest, Luke and I ended up flirting in the kitchen.
-Instead of getting upset, Brad put his arms around me and kissed my neck, reminding Luke that I'm his.
-The propane tank exploded, engulfing the balcony wall in flames.
-Luke came to the rescue and calmly put the fire out.
-My admiration for him grew, making me wonder "what if".

*Graphic sexual content, nudity, strong language*




Location:  99 Embarcadero Drive
Date: Wednesday, 7/20/11
Time: 8:20 p.m.

Home at last.  After being at the hospital for over 12 hours, I've never been more relieved to be in my own kitchen.  As I watch the lettuce, cucumbers and carrots being shredded in the food processor, the hum of the motor makes my stomach even more impatient.  This has been my diet lately.  That's if I even remember to eat.  Frozen food and salad.  I used to cook real meals that involved raw meat, grains and raw vegetables but time has not been on my side.  I finally pulled it off.  I actually proved my mom wrong.  Somehow I managed to become a medical resident within two years.  Since most of the advanced Science courses I took in undergrad counted for the first year of medical school, I spent the day taking 30 units of courseload and went straight to the hospital to complete my internship in the children's unit.  



Sitting here in my lab coat, with a stethoscope in my pocket, I've never felt more proud in my life to accomplish such a dream: being a medical resident.  I am only two years and a medical license away from becoming Lyn Santori, M.D.  I couldn't have done this without Brad.  Now that he's a general practitioner, he really helped open doors for me to in the hospital.  Even when I was still in medical school, he exposed me to a network of doctors, professors and nurses that would help me establish my residency.  I will forever be indebted to him for that.

But my heart can't ignore the fact that we hardly see each other anymore.  Even though we celebrated our success by buying this apartment and owning it as a condo, we are hardly ever here.  When I get home, he's still at the hospital.  When he gets home, I'm at the hospital.  It's become a daily routine to eat alone, gazing out into the view of the city, drowning in the deafening silence of my solitude.  I never noticed how quiet this place was until now. I used to make dinner for the both of us, but after the food got cold and waiting a few hours for him to come home, I gave up on the notion.

"A chair is still a chair
Even when there's
No one sitting there
But a chair is not a house
And a house is not a home
When there's no one there
To hold you tight
And no one there
You can kiss goodnight"



I remember snuggling next to him under a sheet as we watch movies late at night.  He would put his arms around me, we would crack jokes at the cheezy lines and it would be a matter of time before we become aware of each other's presence.  His mere scent and body heat would make my temperature rise, and before we know it,  the couch would creak while he's on top of me, my legs wrapped around his waist.  I can't remember what movie we would watch, but the sound of our ragged breathing accompanied with my deep moans are deeply inbedded in my memory.



Sleeping alone is also something that I had to get used to.  Before, I would not be able to sleep without him by my side.  But that's not an option anymore.  The sight of the bed used to mean one thing: hot, can't-take-it-anymore sex.  I giggle at the naughty, nasty, vile things that we did to each other on this bed, sometimes wondering how we ever left the room.  But our desire for success became stronger than our desire for each other, and oftentimes, it feels like we are more roommates than lovers. 

"I know, baby." I would stroke Nikki's beautiful face as she stares at me, wondering when her daddy is coming home.  "I miss him too."

"Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But its just a crazy game
When it ends, it ends in tears"



At least I still have Nikki to keep me company and warm at night.  She's the closest thing to a daughter that I've ever had.  She's always with me, and I swear sometimes, she acts more like a human than a dog.  She understands almost everything that I say, and she listens patiently as I ramble on about my day.  Sometimes she would place her paw on my leg when  my loneliness escapes in a form of tears.  She would lick my face until I smile again.

But as much as I love my Nikki, she's not Brad.  I miss him.  I miss us. 



Location: Bridgeport Acres
Time: 4:40 p.m.

The next day, I made plans with Brad to meet me at the park at 4:00 p.m.  It's my day off, and he's supposed to have a short day, so I figured this would be a nice way for us to spend some quality time together.  It's been weeks since we last saw each other for more than a few hours, and even longer since we had any intimacy, let alone a nice, passionate kiss.  God, I miss that connection. I miss the butterflies in my belly when I taste his lips, or the shivers that run down my spine when he kisses my neck, and especially the way my body trembles when our skins touch.  I miss getting lost in his pale blue eyes, I miss that feeling.  That rush, that excitement, that thrill of wanting and needing him so desperately, it hurts.

It is now past 6 p.m., and it's getting dark.  I've been waiting for him to show up, or at least a text or phone call to let me know he can't make it.  It's been two hours, and I'm still sitting here by myself, feeling like a moron.  Even when I try to call his cell phone, it goes straight to voicemail.



Just when I get ready to leave, I see a guy walking towards me. Oh my God, it's Luke.  Even in the fading sunlight, I can make out his handsome, rugged face.  I watch his arm and leg muscles flex with each step that he takes, making me hold on to the chains even tighter.  Even though the metal feels cold in my hands, his eyes burn through me, making me feel warm inside, and I sit nervously as he comes closer.

"Hey, Lyn!" His mouth widens in a smile as he waves at me.   No, no. Don't smile like that.

"Hey, Luke." I wave back, hoping he won't sit next to me.  Maybe he's just passing by.  Then I can head to my car and go home.  



"Where's Brad?" He asks, deciding to grab the empty swing and sit on it. Rats!  If I leave now, he'll think I'm avoiding him.  If I stay, I'm just asking for trouble.  Since I met him less than two years ago, I got really weirded out.  I thought I was insanely in love with Brad, and he was the only man that I would ever be attracted to, but my heart and body betrayed me.  I cannot, for the life of me, explain why I kept stealing glances at him and why his penetrating gaze made my pulse race.  Not only did I find myself flirting with him with Brad around, but I found myself attracted to him.  And he just HAD to act all heroic, saving our lives by putting out that fire.  Why?? Why did you have to be a freaking hot fireman??  

So how did I deal with it?  I avoided him.  I avoided any situation that would put me in the same room with him by declining any type of get-together that involved him.  No parties, no barbeques, no dinners, no lunches.  Nope, not even Super Bowl Sundays.  And that really wasn't hard to do since our schedules (mine and Brad's) became really hectic, and we were hardly at home.

"He was supposed to meet me here but he's late. "  I focus my attention on a gray rock next to my foot.



"Okay.  Wow, I haven't seen you guys in ages. " He pushes his foot against the ground as he lightly sways back and forth.  My mind wanders into a dirty place, hypnotized by the movement of his body.  He looks like he'd be gentle with a woman, but at the same time, he looks like he'll just take what he wants.  Dammit, Brad needs to come soon or I'm about to rape this man.

"I know, we've been really busy at the hospital." I explain, watching the incandescent park lamp turn on above us, illuminating his face.  His eyes deepen into a forest green color, lost in thought as he nods.  

"I understand.  So did you finish med school yet?" 

"Yeah, I did.  I'm a resident now." It feels nice to share that with someone.  And for him to ask, it shows that he's interested in what's going on with my life.

"Nice! Congratulations!" His eyes are wide open, as if he's shocked and impressed at the same time.

"Thank you.  I did it in two years but let me tell you, I spent more time at school and the hospital than at home." I shake my head, still wondering how I survived the last two years and still retain my sanity.

"Wow, so you're a doctor now like Brad?" That gaze.  It's the same look that I gave him that night after he put the fire out.  Respect and admiration.

"Not quite.  I won't get to practice until I'm licensed and finish residency."

"But you wear a lab coat and badge, so no one can tell." 

"Haha. True." Sighh...it feels good to laugh.  It feels good to talk to someone, period.  I close my eyes as the rustling of trees soothe my ears, drowning out the sound of crickets singing behind the bushes.  Even with the summer breeze grazing my skin, it's still warm outside.



"What about you?  Saved any lives lately?" I smirk, wiggling my eyebrows.  

"Why do you say it like that?" He chuckles, narrowing his eyes.

"Like what?" I meet his eyes again, which hold a mixture of shyness and burning curiousity.

"I don't know.  You say it like saving lives is hot."  His voice is getting velvety.  Oh dear.

"What?? How did you get that?" My cheeks start to feel warm.

"Come on, admit it." He leans towards me, challenging me with his eyes.

"Oh gawd, just because you're a firemen you think you're so hot??" I roll my eyes, letting out an exasperated breath.  Leave now, before you dig yourself an even bigger hole.

"That's not what I said." 

"Whatever."

"You think I'm hot?" He has this smug grin on his face that I just want to slap.

"No.  And you know what? I gotta go." I get up, slinging my purse over my shoulder.

"Lyn, I'm just joking!" He jumps up, his face only inches away from mine.

"I know.  But I really have to go.  It was good seeing you again."

"Luuuke!! We gotta go, bro!" A male voice calls out from  a distance.

"That's my brother Nate.  We were playing football earlier." His gaze returns to me.

"You should go.  I'll talk to you later." As I walk away, I feel his hand on my arm.

"Here's my number, if you ever want to talk...or whatever." He shrugs as he hands me a piece of paper.

"Thanks." I flash him a brief smile before I turn around and head to my car.  I know he's Brad's best friend and I'm treading on dangerous territory, but at this point, I'm keeping an open mind.



Location: 99 Embarcadero Drive
Time: 9:10 p.m.

"I'm not meant to live alone,
Turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs
And turn the key
Oh, please be there
Still in love
Still in love with you"

By the time I get home, I don't even realize that it's past 9 o'clock. Gosh, how long have I been talking to Luke?  Brad still has his coat on, which means he probably just got home too.  

"You couldn't call?" I ask him blankly, trying to hide the disappointment in my eyes.

"What do you mean?" He looks puzzled.  He tries to kiss me, but I push him away.

"You forgot??" My jaw drops, along with my heart.  I waited for hours, and he didn't even remember.

"Were we supposed to do something today?" He shrugs, as if he doesn't understand what the big deal is.

"Brad, you were supposed to meet me at the park at four!!" I snap, losing my patience.  I can understand if he was running late, heck, I can even understand if he forgot.  But to just stand there and act like it's not a big deal?  That hit a nerve, and I just couldn't contain my anger anymore.

"I forgot, okay? I'm sorry!  I couldn't get out of the hospital til now." He shakes his head as if he's annoyed that I even bring up such a thing.

"Yeah, well, we both work at the hospital.  This was your day to leave early and you didn't!!"

"I tried, but someone called sick and I had to fill in for their shift." 

"And you couldn't call me to tell me that?  I waited for you for hours!!" I look at the face of the man that's supposed to be on my side, who's supposed to be on my team, but he's never felt so far away from me until now.  I used to be able to count on him for anything, but lately it seems like I've become more of an inconvenience.

"Look, I said I was sorry.  What else do you want me to do??" The eyes that I used to get lost in look annoyed, tired and burned out.  

"You know what?? Nothing.  Luke was there, at least he kept me company." I say calmly, looking him dead in his pale blue eyes, hitting him where it hurts.  Yeah, I said it.   

"What??" 

"You heard me.  He saw me waiting by myself so he kept me company." 

"You were with him this whole time?!!" He points his finger at me, eyes ablazed in anger and jealousy.



"Well maybe if you showed up, there would be no need for him to keep me company!!" I scream, hating him even more for reminding me that he's not around like he used to be.  I hate the fact that another man kept me company tonight.  I hate the fact that he doesn't seem to care.  I hate the fact that our relationship is dying right in front of our eyes, and I don't know what to do to fix it.

"Is there something going on between you and Luke?!!" He shouts, inching closer to me, his hot breath on my face.  His eyes are drenched in rage, digging into mine as if he's trying to force my secrets out.

"No.  But you're pushing me towards him." As soon as those words come out of my mouth, I hear the truth.  We're losing each other.  I thought our love was invincible.  I thought nothing would ever come between us.  I thought he was the only man I would ever want and need.  I thought he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with.  And the realization that he may not be...can no longer hold back the hot tears drowning my eyes.  They stream down my cheeks, along with the painful truth.  

I make an attempt to run to the bathroom and hide, but he grabs my arm.



"If that motherfucker even touches you..." He growls under his ragged breath, pushing me against the kitchen wall as he devours my lips.  Hot sparks of electricity shooot down my moist parts at his drastic reaction, probing my mouth forcefully with his tongue.  I let out a soft moan as I slip my hands beneath his shirt, feeling how smooth and hard his chest is.  Fuck yes, I miss this!! With his warm mouth sucking on my neck, he impatiently unbuttons my jeans, nearly pulling me on the floor with it.  

"This is my pussy..." He hisses through his teeth as he parts my legs and strokes my sensitive flesh, making me even more wet.

"Mmmm...." I moan feverishly, grinding against his hand, trying to free the erection straining inside his pants.  The feel of his hard, smooth length in my hand sends my body in a frenzy, making me even more desperate to have him inside me. It's been too long.  Way too long.



"You miss daddy's dick?" He murmurs through heavy-lidded eyes as he pounds into me, with my back rubbing against the cold kitchen tile.  I arch my back, savoring how hard he feels, loving how he fills my aching need, stretching me to the point of pain and pleasure.  

"Yes, I miss daddy's dick..." I whimper, my eyes rolling to the back of my head in delirious ecstasy as I absorb the heat from his body, opening up to every deep thrust.  I want him, all of him inside, if this is what it takes to get that connection again.  God, I miss this.  So fucking much.  I stroke his hair as he lowers his face to suck on my nipples, hard, to the point where I hiss at the pain.  He groans on my breast as he reaches for my ass, pulling me to him even closer until he can't go any deeper.  

"Fuck..." He grumbles, moving faster as I wrap my legs around his waist, knowing he's ready to explode.

"Come hard for me, Brad..." I stroke his face, anxious to see that agonized pleasure that I haven't seen in a long time.  

"Fuuuuuuucccckkk!!!" His voice echoes through the kitchen as he takes his final thrusts, his body shaking intensely.  With my legs still wrapped around his waist, I search his eyes.  Tears  run down the side of my face when I find that vulnerability again, letting me know that we are still connected.  He gently wipes my tears away before flipping me over until I'm on top of him.  He kisses my forehead as he wraps his arms around me.  I rest my face on his chest, controlling my breathing until it matches his own, and we lay there in silence, absorbing each other.



Six weeks later, I start getting strange symptoms of nausea, light-headedness and strange twinges in my lower abdomen.  Especially in the morning.   My breasts have also been unusually sore and tender.  My suspicious grow even stronger when my period doesn't show up for three weeks.  Am I pregnant??



I finally find the courage to go to the drug store and buy a pregnancy test kit.  I guess there's only one way to find out.  This has been driving me crazy.



Ding.

The kitchen timer goes off. That had to be the longest three minutes I've ever had to wait in my life.  Okay, here we go.  What that stick says could change everything.  If there are two lines, I'm going to be a mom.  Am I ready for this?  My relationship with Brad has been strained lately.  Do we really want to bring a child into that?  What about  my career as  a pediatrician? I just became a resident after working so hard for two years.  Do I just throw that away?

I take a long, deep breath.  This is it.  My heart races as I walk over to the sink.  I glance down at the stick.

Two fat, purple lines.  

*Copyright 2011 Lyn C.S.*
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"A House Is Not A Home" by Luther Vandross
Video by: silowjam