Ch. 40 (The Only Exception)
-Brad took me to Hangman's Tree.
-He was surprised when I told him that Luke took me there before.
-All of a sudden I felt very tired, and we ended up falling asleep.
-I had a vivid dream about William proposing to Emma
at the very same barren oak tree.
-I didn't say anything to Brad about the dream, but his energy
is definitely familiar.
-He asked if there was anything going on between me and Luke.
-I told him Luke and I are good friends, and that he was there for me.
-Something prompted Brad to ask if I still love him.
-Reluctantly, I admitted it, even telling him "I love you".
-After this, he did something that completely blew me away.
-He said, "Marry me. Be my wife."
*Strong language*
Location: Hangman's Tree National Historic Landmark
Date: Saturday, 11/05/2011
Time: 5: 25 p.m.
"What?" My mouth manages to physically pluck the one word that's been lost among the chaos taking over my thoughts. I can feel the shock spread through every vein in my body like a strong shot of vodka, radiating a strange heat in my stomach before it takes a hold of my heart and squeezes, causing me to panic. I know what I heard. Every. Damn. Word. Even my heart and mind, which are usually at odds with each other when it comes to Brad, stopped dead in their tracks, and even they didn't know what to do. They seemed to look up to the stars for guidance before turning back to me, throwing their hands up. Heaven and hell, good and bad, light and dark have always been at odds with each other, wanting opposite things, having an opposite purpose. But this...this shit that Brad just conjured? It feels as if the ground just sunk and swallowed me alive.
"I said marry me." He whispers with impossibly pale, solemn blue eyes. Just like the late afternoon skies, they seem to fade into the background with the promise of dusk, slowly hypnotizing me into the dark corners of my own desires. "Be my wife."
"Brad...this is crazy." I have dreamed of this for so long, especially coming from him, and now he seems to be handing it to me on a silver platter. As if my very happiness can simply exist in that one platter---my hopes and dreams of having a family since I was a little girl---dreaming of my prince charming. My heart is leaping in joy, practically screaming 'yes!', but my head is staring at the silver platter suspiciously, yelling, 'stay back, don't trust him!' With a sigh, I add, "This is all moving too fast for me."
"I know, but you said you love me." With eyes as gentle as his voice, he pulls me even closer to him, letting me know he's serious. There's a restlessness, a sort of impatience leaking from his face that not even his smile can hide. Flashbacks of William proposing to Emma invade my mind, temporarily bringing back nostalgia of a love...and a time that I desperately want to capture again. "Doesn't that mean something to you?"
"It does, but...I don't know..." My eyes clamp shut as I bury my face on Brad's chest, hoping for reason---and common sense---to bring any type of clarity to this situation. The remnants of shock are still tingling away at my skin like a neon sign flashing "yes" or "no", refusing to be ignored. If I marry Brad, what happens to Luke? Luke...my Luke. I keep telling Brad that he's just a friend, that there's nothing going on. Or is that...what I tell myself? Sure, we've gotten close lately and we flirt on the phone sometimes, which led to some sexually charged conversations---but he never made plans to see me again---or for me to see him. It seems his interest in me has simmered down to a more protective nature, especially since that day he left my house. Brad, on the other had, seems ready to give me what I want. And he seems contrite of his actions. Lost in his scent, I murmur, "I can't think."
"Just say yes. Make me the happiest man alive, " He suggests, almost demands, as his hands roam up and down my back.
In an attempt to pull away from the spell of his cologne---and the excruciating warmth of his body, I peel my face away from Brad's chest. When my eyes slowly open, waking me up to the reality of the warm afternoon sun, I see a figure standing a few feet away, and he seems to be watching us. In the blurry interpretation of my semi-conscious state---still drugged from my conflicting emotions---shivers rush up my spine as this person starts walking in our direction. With each step my breath shortens. My eyes narrow in on blue jeans, a tan colored shirt clinging to a muscular upper body, a dark beard and...pale...green...eyes. The moment our eyes lock, I feel a surge of electricity splash on me like ice water, drenching me from head to toe, waking up every neuron in my body. Holy shit, it's Luke!
I can feel the daggers hurling at his heart, the moment he saw me in Brad's arms. His eyes...they burn through me, as if asking 'how could you?'. Now that he's here, I'm flooded by memories of our connection and all I can do is watch my feelings break free from their chain of fear and run to him---the only person I completely trust in this world.
Without thought, my arms break away from Brad's shoulders as Luke's gaze seem to penetrate through this cloud of enchantment swirling around us--- forcefully breaking it away---opening our eyes to the present. It feels as if he just caught us together, that something is unusually wrong, and I can't shake away this pang of guilt that's growing by the second. Gone are the colorful sea of flowers, cool autumn breeze, rustling of trees or the soothing hoo-hoo-hoo cries of mourning doves. Everything within my sight melts into oblivion, as I stand here suspended in time, frozen by the presence of the two men who have complicated my once simple life. I watch helplessly as Luke walks over to Brad, devouring him with seething contempt like a ram brandishing its horns.
My heart throbs in desperation, sending distress signals to my stomach at what is about to happen. I cry out to Luke to get his attention, but only a weak croak comes out from my drying throat.
"You are a serious piece of work." Luke mutters to Brad in a deep rumble when they are only a foot away from each other. I can see the fire in his eyes slowly escape his nose like puffs of smoke. I have never seen him like this. I can see the rise and fall of his chest as he says, one deliberate word at a time, "I really didn't think you'd stoop any lower."
"What are you talking about?" Brad responds in a haughty voice, standing his ground, despite Luke's intimidating presence.
"Showing up here and asking her to marry you?" Luke's eyes narrow in disgust, shaking his head. "Are you fucking serious!"
Shit. He heard. Up until that point, Brad's proposal seemed romantic. Crazy and shocking, but romantic. I even pondered the idea as visions of us relaxing at home, playing with the kids---being happy---crossed my mind. I want that so badly...to be happy. But now, the way Luke says it, as if it's some accusation, makes it seem...like a foolish idea.
"So what? I love her. She still loves me." Brad responds calmly, not moving one inch. Then he briefly looks in my direction, as if summoning my support, when he adds, "And if she didn't want me here, we wouldn't have spent the night together."
"Brad! That's not necess---" I snap at him, wondering why he felt the need to disclose that type of information. Even though he's probably trying to rub it in Luke's face, I feel even angrier for feeling guilty...and a bit embarrassed. After everything I've said about Brad to Luke, and after my repeated declarations that I'm done with him---here I am--- a victim to my own weakness. And looking like a complete hypocrite.
"Is this true, Lyn?" Luke interrupts as he searches my eyes. It's all too much for me to handle, so I look away in silence. I never considered how it would affect Luke if I slept with Brad. I didn't think it would matter since we're not together. But I simply can't ignore how this all must be affecting him, having to catch us together. Nor can I ignore the cries of my own heart at this delicious fireman's presence, and wanting desperately to disappear with him somewhere and explain everything. I didn't realize how much I actually miss him until now. Now that he's here. Shit!
Silence.
"So it's true." Luke stares off in the faded distance. The disappointment in his voice is so obvious, I just want to grab him and make it go away. "You slept with him."
"Who's gonna
Tell you when
It's too late?
Who's gonna
tell you things
Aren't so great?"
"Luke---" I try to appease him, but I can't seem to find the right words, especially when he clearly has more to say.
"I can't say I'm surprised. You're vulnerable, he knew this." Luke blankly looks at me before staring off into the distance again. Eventually he shifts his gaze to Brad, as if caught in some epiphany that's causing him to speak out again. "But that's the difference between me and you. I could have taken advantage of her, but I didn't. I was being a---"
No, no. Stop talking. Stop talking!
"Liar. She said you slept together!" Brad cuts in, looking pretty pleased with himself for calling Luke out---or at least thinking it. I can hear bricks falling from the sky now, making me wince before they crash on the ground with a loud thud. Just when I thought this afternoon couldn't get any worse, it actually did. Not so much for me, but for Luke. In a short amount of time, he saw me with Brad, found out I slept with him, and now...catches me lying.
"What?? Why would you say that, Lyn?" Luke quickly turns to me, completely stunned.
"Nothing happened between us, you know that!"
"I don't know...I'm sorry..."
"Wait, you didn't sleep together?" Brad asks, picking up on the stories that don't match.
"Wait, are you upset at me?" Luke gives me an accusatory look, as if I just insulted him."He's the one that slept with your sister! Or did you forget that??"
Silence.
"So let me get this straight." Luke pauses to search my eyes, then shifts his gaze to Brad. A faint scowl crosses his face as they give a hint of the thoughts running through his mind, before he adds, "You're pissed at me when this asshole fucks your sister, causes you to have a miscarriage and make you almost---"
"Luke, stop!" I scream at him as I frantically try to piece back whatever morsel of peace I had before he showed up. The more he talks, the more helpless I feel, as I spiral down into a very dark place again, the very same place I've desperately tried to crawl out of. These negative memories break free from their cage of denial, running rampant throughout my whole being, slowly bullying me again. Just as I attempt to run off, Luke catches my arm with such conviction that I freeze instantly, despite the tears threatening, making me look away.
"No, I won't stop! What, you don't like hearing the truth?" Luke turns me around and forces me to look at him, his hands now gripping my shoulders. "Maybe it's time I remind you why we're all here."
"Luke, she said stop!" Brad makes an attempt to wrestle me away from Luke's hands, but backs off when he's met with such a rabid gaze.
Razors. Daggers. Butcher knives. They all aim at my unsuspecting heart without warning, as if they were summoned by Luke's blunt words. I've managed to dilute my version of the story and Brad owned up to his actions in his own way. I thought we confronted this last night. But this...this cruelly raw version from Luke's mouth, dealing with Brad directly---I was not prepared for. I can feel these sharp instruments slicing away at my heart again, bringing back the throbbing pain without mercy, and there is nowhere to run---or hide---as the tears escape my eyes.
"Who's gonna
Hold you down
When you shake?
Who's gonna
Come around
When you break?"
"You didn't appreciate her when she was with you, you took her for granted, then acted all territorial when she came to me for support." Luke continues with his arsenal of cold, stainless steel truth, even more amplified by Brad's silence and my muffled sobs. "And you assumed we were fucking! You saw that as a chance to cheat on her. And to really fuck her up, her sister! You don't think I know about her sister? The princess---"
"Stop, just stop! No more, please." I scream again, especially when he said "princess". The pain becomes even worse, a different kind. A pain from a long time ago. "I've already put it behind me!"
"You put it behind you because what? You avoided everyone? Did you forget how you screamed in anger when I was here? Did you forget the mess he left behind? Did you forget how much pain you were in? How much you cried?"
Silence.
"He chose your sister because he knew. He knew damn well it would just shatter your self-esteem. He knew it would fuck you up royally." He softens his voice---and tone---when he sees the crumbling state I'm in. "Now tell me, how can he claim he loves you when he intentionally hurts you like this? What kind of man does that?"
"I made a mistake, okay?" Brad finally breaks his silence. "Lyn is the only woman I've ever loved. I know I hurt her, but she forgave me."
Silence.
"Lyn, you can't marry him!"Luke cries out in some sort of desperation, frantically grabbing my hands. "He doesn't deserve you!"
"She can do whatever she wants! Stay out of it!"
"Like hell I will!"
"Fuck you!"
"Both of you, please stop!" I yell out with all of my might, trying to get both of their attention, but white streaks of light suck out whatever is left of my energy. My heart hammers wildly as sweat breaks through my face, causing a nauseating feeling to the pit of my stomach. It feels as if I'm being spun around in a thousand directions and I am losing my sanity---as well as my sense of balance.
"I can't...take...any more..."
"You can't go on
Thinkin'
Nothin's wrong
Who's gonna
Drive you home
Tonight?"
*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*
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"Drive" by The Cars
Video by: ScoobyIsAwsome
