Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Chapter Thirty-One (Closer)

Previously, on "Memoirs Of A City Girl":
Ch. 30 (November Rain)
-Lyn was ecstatic to find that Luke surprised her with a teddy bear when she woke up.
-She looked for him everywhere in the house, only to find that he left without saying goodbye.
-She was hurt and disappointed, feeling as if all men let her down, including Luke.
-She decided to go "vegetarian", vowing to stay away from anything that has a penis.
-After driving down to Appaloosa Plains Public School to inquire about the Science position, she landed an interview with Dr. Weston instead.
-The interview was very short, leading Lyn to believe that she didn't get the job.
-Later that night, Luke called to explain why he left.
-He stayed on the phone with Lyn until she fell asleep.

*Graphic sexual content, nudity, strong language*

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Location: Bridgeport Sports Zone
Date: Monday, 10/31/11
Time: 9:26 p.m.


"That's your fifth one tonight.  Everything okay, man?" The blonde bartender asks as he plunks down another Melted Snowman in front of me.
 
"Yeah, just fucking peachy." I slam my fist on the counter, spilling some of the liquid contents from the ice-cold glass.  His eyes quietly shift in my direction as he wipes an empty beer mug with a dishrag.

"Wanna talk about it?" 

"No." The cold concoction feels good as it sweeps the back of my throat, its bittersweet aftertaste disarming the cloudiness and tension quickly taking over my brain.  My thoughts start to filter themselves out, only flashing at the significant events and people in my life.  A lot of them I'd rather forget.  Alcohol has this amazing ability to do that for me.  One sip, or bottle...or two...makes the easiest task seem like a hurdle.  Like walking straight, or driving home without hitting anything...or anybody for that matter.        

"Alright...if you need anything, let me know." He flashes me a brief yet sympathetic smile before he reaches under the counter to straighten out some items.

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Even though the room starts to feel like it's moving in slow motion, my ears can hear every sharp note and beat of the music playing in the background.  Boom... boom... boom...boom.  In almost the same fashion as the pounding of my own heart.  Slow, methodical, almost annoyingly distracting.  I find myself tying it all together with the involuntary bobbing of my head.  Boom...boom...boom...boom.  This is the only thing that makes sense.  Taking another large chug, I close my eyes.  Now it feels like everything, including the tingles in my body, is screaming, but in complete darkness.  But somehow I don't feel like I have to hide.  Maybe this is the only safe place to be right now.    

Then the music stops.  There's a short pause before another song comes on, but with a slower beat.  I reluctantly open my eyes.  I liked that dark place.  I wanted to stay there.  But now that the rhythmic beat is gone, it feels like everyone is staring at me.  It's too quiet.  The sound of a plastic disk hitting the corner of the shuffleboard forces me to turn to my right.  I catch a girl with long, dark hair staring at me.  When our eyes meet, she quickly looks away.  I know that look too well.  Either she wants to fuck or she thinks I could be "the one".  I never understood that concept.  Women put all these expectations on a guy they barely know, and they think sex is supposed to seal the deal.    

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She walks over to me.  They usually do.  All it takes is one sweeping glance from head to toe with a slight pause at their breasts.  Of course they want me to look.  Why else would they wear tight, revealing outfits that show off their ass and cleavage if nobody noticed? If they want to be appreciated for their intelligence, they're better off joining a book club or some seminar that encourages philosophical discussions.  

Holding my drink in one hand, I watch her body move with finesse, like a cat crawling towards me.  Her hips sway with each step, making her impossibly tight dress raise slightly, exposing even more of her honey-colored thighs.  There's an air of confidence about her.  She knows what she wants.  I can tell she's not new at this.    

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"Hi." She smiles, grabbing the barstool next to me.

"Hey." I nod in acknowledgement as I finish the rest of the drink.

"I'm Sugar.  What's your name?"

"Brad."

"So Brad, what do you do?"

"I'm a doctor."

"Ooooh, a doctor!" Her eyes light up as if she just hit the jackpot.  So predictable.  I knew this profession would bring prestige, but I had no idea it would trigger so much attention from women.  It makes me wonder if they're truly interested in me and not just my title or bank account.

"Yup."

"You wanna get out of here, Brad?"

"Sure, why not." I'm alone. I'm drunk.  I'm horny.  It ain't like I'm trying to fall in love.  

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"Oh wow, nice car!" Sugar looks around the interior of my black Empire Eidolon.  With the Italian leather seats and carbon fiber dashboard, the new car smell is still evident, since I just bought this a few days ago.  I had to get rid of my old Rock Town muscle car.  Even though that's been my baby since my college days, it just brings back too many memories...of her...which I'd rather not get into right now.

"Thanks." I try to ignore her overt enthusiasm for this shiny pussy-magnet.  I mean, what did I expect when I bought this thing?  I could have, should have bought a house instead.  But what would it bring me? More unbearable silence? Two extra rooms I will never use? An emptiness that can't be filled with more furniture or useless, expensive decor?

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Location: 99 Embarcadero Drive

Time: 10:55 p.m.

It doesn't take long for this girl to climb on top of me.  One minute we're sitting on my couch as I listen to her drone on about the mundane details of her job as a waitress, the next minute her tongue is down my throat.  I love a woman that takes charge, but there's something about the way she kisses that puts me off.  Sure, her lips are soft and her tongue feels good in my mouth...but there's something lacking.  My heart doesn't feel like it's going to burst.  My stomach doesn't feel like it's being raided by a thousand butterflies.  My breath is still perfectly intact.  I push these negative thoughts out of my head as I grab her ass, trying to get into the moment while this woman blatantly makes it known that she wants me.  

"Damn, you're so hot." She whispers as she pulls back to gaze into my eyes.  I try to find that feeling again as I search her dark brown eyes, but I find nothing.  I don't get lost.  It doesn't cause a vulnerability that makes me want to hide.  I feel nothing.  

What is wrong with me?? Why can't I enjoy this?  


"Mmmm...you're so big." She murmurs as I watch my dick slide in and out of her mouth.  A part of me wishes she had waited to to this.  Maybe until the third or fifth date...or the fourth week.  Something, anything that will take her out of the "one night stand" category.  But it's too late.  I'm too wasted to protest, and for once, something finally feels good. 

"You like that?" I drop my head back as I grab her face with both hands, pushing her mouth even deeper into my hard-on.

"Yes, I love it when it's big." Her eyes seductively lock with mine as she swirls her tongue around the head.  No more thinking.  No more rationalizing.  Tonight, I'm fucking her brains out.

"You like having that big dick in your mouth, don't you?" I gyrate my hips on her face until she turns red from gagging.  Yeah, that's right.  Choke on it.

"Mmm, yes, doctor!!" 

"You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you"





Just the sight of her on her knees, tolerating the filthy words coming out of my mouth, brings out a side of me I've tried to suppress.  After putting a condom on, I turn her around until she's bent over in front of me.  She's already wet.


"Spread your legs." I command in a low voice while my hand rubs her glistening pussy from behind.  I can already hear her panting as her thighs move further away from each other.  All I see is her round ass sticking out in front of me, just waiting for me to take it.  With one deep thrust, I enter her.  She cries out in surprise but I continue to hold on to her hips as I pound into her.  The sound of my pubic bone slapping hard against her cheeks is even better than liquor.  It wakes me up.  It makes me feel alive.  I can hear my pulse racing as my hand smacks her ass. Hard.

"Oh my God, yes!! Yes!" She moans as she arches her back, her long hair covering her face.







"So good!! You feel so good!" Her eyes roll to the back of her head as hot breath escapes with her deep moans.  I grab on to her thigh as I dig even harder, not caring that her face sometimes contorts in pain.  If she wants the big dick, she better be able to hande it.  

"I want to fuck you 
Like an animal
I want to feel you

From the inside
I want to fuck you
Like an animal
My whole existence
Is flawed
You get me closer

To God"

"Say you like it rough. Say it!" The creaking of the couch, along with her heavy breathing, brings me to a raw state of mind.  Whatever emotion I had left, Lyn took them with her.  My capacity to feel, to love, to desire some type of happiness, is gone.  I don't know why I screwed things up.  Maybe deep down inside I knew I never deserved someone like her.  But she loved me anyway.  So why was it so hard for me to accept?  Why did I throw away the only thing that gave meaning to my life?  

"I l-like it...r-rough!" Her voice is barely audible between desperate breaths.  She arches her back as her hips start to shake. "Brad, I'm gonna come!!"

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Then my mind betrays me.  Instead of this girl screaming my name, I hear her voice instead.  I see her beautiful face transcending into the highest state of nirvana.   I hear her soft moans caressing my ears.  I feel her sweaty body merging with mine as our temperatures collide, until we're simply lost in our own bubble of bliss.  My heart feels like it's going to explode from the intense feelings she's awakened and I'm falling into a place between heaven and hell.  Heaven because this is the closest I've ever felt to another human being.  Hell because it scares the shit out of me.  Losing control, feeling helpless, unable to cage my heart any longer.  

I try to hold on to this place in my head, but the more I try to reach for it, the more it eludes me.  Everything fades away until complete darkness is all I see.  I hear the moans again.  This time it's coming from the girl under me on the couch.  She looks at me with this dazed look in her eyes, urging me to keep going, but I'm losing my momentum.  I try to regain all of the carnal urges I felt earlier, but the deeper I try to go inside her, the more distant I feel.  Each second that passes, it feels more like I'm screwing a stranger.  Impersonal, cold, with no emotional connection that makes it special.  This never bothered me before, in fact, this is what I preferred.  Less hassle, less baggage.  But now...it just doesn't feel right.

I find myself doing something I've never done before.  I actually stop in the middle of sex.  
At first she's confused, but eventually she understands as she puts her clothes back on.  I explain that it just isn't working.  She asks if I'm thinking about an ex, but I don't answer.  I simply call a cab for her.

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A few hours later, I wake up with a massive hangover.  My head is throbbing, like someone is trying to squeeze my brains out through my eyes.  It feels like my skull is going to crack.  When I look down, I realize that I'm naked.  What happened last night?  How did I even get home? All I remember is that I went to a sports bar.  I had a few drinks.  Then I caught a girl staring at me.  Ohhh...right.  I took her home last night.  

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Lyn.  I can't escape her.  She's gone, but she's everywhere.  In this condo, at the hospital, at the places where we used to go, in my mind, in my heart, in the bittersweet memories that torment me.  This place used to be full of life.  That feeling when I come home, knowing she and Nikki are waiting for me.  The way their faces light up when I walk through the door, so anxious to talk to me that I barely have time to put my coat and keys away.  How did I take that for granted?  How could I be so blind?  I had it all.  If I hadn't walked out on her when we got into a fight, she might still be with me, carrying my child.  We could have been a family. 

I let the liquor pass through my throat until there's nothing left in the glass.  It burns through my chest as the heat spreads out towards the back of my neck.  Maybe if I drink enough, I can drown out this cloud of regret that refuses to leave my sight.  Maybe I'll be so numb that I won't feel anything.  And if I don't feel anything, there won't be any pain...or deep longing...or an overwhelming desire to show up at her door and beg at her feet.

But Luke is there.  Fuck.  She was right.  I did push her towards him.  If I made more of an effort to make her happy, Luke wouldn't even have a chance.  I'd still be making love to her.  I'd still be holding her at night.  I'd probably be helping her pick out a name for our son or daughter.  They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but sometimes I wish I had never met her.  I was fine before she came into my life.  I was happy with the casual flings and one night stands.  How can I possibly go back to the way things were when I've gotten a sweet taste of love? Of her? Of this thing called happiness?  Maybe she should have met Luke first.  Then they would have fallen in love, I'd still be the old me, and I would still have a best friend.      

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After eating breakfast and taking a hot shower, I decide to get out of the house.  It's too quiet in there.  I'll just end up thinking about Lyn and all of the mistakes I wish I could erase.  I can't even bring another girl in there without being reminded that she's not her.  Nobody is.  And nobody ever will be.  

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Location: 2097 Edgewood Road

Time: 10:45 a.m.

I find myself pulling up to this house.  I haven't been here in almost six months.  The azalea bushes are still there, just like I remember, even though it looks like it hasn't been trimmed in a while.  I don't know what I'm doing here, but where else can I go? This is probably one of the few places that isn't haunted by memories of Lyn.  In fact, she's never been here before.  

My pulse races as I press the doorbell.  This isn't exactly my favorite place in the world, but it's one of the few that I can still go to.  Nobody answers.  Something tells me the doorbell is useless.  With a slight twist on the doorknob, the door opens easily.  Why is it unlocked? 

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"Help me
I broke apart my insides
Help me

I've got no soul to sell
Help me

The only thing that
Works for me
Help me get away

From myself"


*Copyright 2012 Lyn C.S.* ----------------------------

"Closer" by Nine Inch Nails

Video by: kkcherryco66